In this episode, join Heather as she discusses dating after divorce. Heather will share tips on what to do before you start dating and when you are ready to date. Most important - Heather addresses the legal implications of dating after divorce.
In this episode of Women Winning Divorce, Heather discusses how to prepare for a divorce trial in order to make the trial process less stressful and improve your chances of success.
"Women Winning Divorce" is a radio show and podcast hosted by Heather Quick, CEO and Owner of Florida Women's Law Group. Each week we focus on different aspects of family law to help guide women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges they are facing. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Join Heather each week as she discusses family law issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation and more.
This program was created to provide tips and insight to women with family law issues. It is not intended to be legal advice because every situation is different.
Visit us at https://www.womenwinningdivorce.com/ for more resources.
Text us at 904-944-6800 for a copy of Heather's Top 5 Divorce Tips.
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Women Winning Divorce
Episode 23
Dating After Divorce
Julie Morgan:
Welcome to Women Winning Divorce, with your host Heather Quick. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Each week, we provide knowledge and guidance on different aspects of family law to help lead women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges that they are facing. Listen in as she discusses issues, including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation, and other family law issues to provide insight on the journey of Women Winning Divorce. Welcome to the show. I'm Julie Morgan, and I'm joined by your host, Heather Quick.
Julie Morgan:
Heather today's topic is a good one.
Heather Quick:
I know you're looking forward to it, as am I.
Julie Morgan:
Oh, I didn't even say hello. Hi, Heather.
Heather Quick:
Hello, Julie. How are you today? You're so excited. You're just ready to get on into it, aren't you?
Julie Morgan:
You know what? Before I even just start let me go ahead and ask you a question. Well, I'm going to tell everybody the topic. Dating After Divorce. The first question I have for you, Heather, is it okay to date while you're separated or going through a divorce? Is that okay?
Heather Quick:
The main answer would be, no. Generally, no. And for many reasons. It depends on your situation. How does that affect your legal situation? So that's where I'm coming from as the attorney. How relevant is it? What areas will it affect? I'm not even coming from the psychological, all of that part. The very first thing I'm going to look at is, "Okay, you are getting a divorce. This is the way it may or may not affect your divorce." And then we have a conversation about that. So usually, I would say, no.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. But Heather, "I feel it's time for me to get back out there, and I know I can do it. It's going to work out. It's going to work out, and my husband, he's okay with it." Do you hear that often?
Heather Quick:
I hear a lot of reasons to do it. Basically, I would say no. If you are my friend, I'd be like, "No, no, no, no. You are being completely irrational and I understand you want to feel love and get attention, and all that, but you are likely just getting ready to repeat the same thing you were just in and maybe give yourself some space, and some objectivity before you jump into something." That's even if you don't have children. I'm just looking out for the individual, but usually, that's not why they are asking me. I am going to approach it from the legal standpoint because I'm not a therapist. But during the divorce, more often than not, the answer is no.
Julie Morgan:
Because it really makes things complicated, doesn't it?
Heather Quick:
Well, it always does. And the thing is, if we look at it from a purely financial standpoint, if we are trying for an alimony case, then you're potentially setting yourself up for a reason to not have alimony depending on how serious this gets with this person. If we're just talking about dating, I get it, but if you have children that are involved in that, it's just a really bad idea. I know, "Oh, he's already doing it." This isn't about him. This is about you and who you are, and what the issues are in your case, and how this is going to affect your case. So from that standpoint, if, as your attorney, we say "No", you ought to listen because you have hired us and paying for that advice.
Julie Morgan:
How does it look when it comes to a mediator or a judge if your client is dating, if the woman is dating?
Heather Quick:
The only time anybody cares is if there's kids. I care if there's a financial impact, potentially. But otherwise, the judge or mediator, it's really not relevant, and it doesn't matter. Unless you're dating somebody who is very shady, who has a criminal record, or a history of any violence, and that... And I know people say, "Oh, no, he's great," until we're at a hearing or something, and then we see his record of domestic violence because your husband's attorney found it. That's how things go.
Julie Morgan:
That's what I was going to say. He could use it against you.
Heather Quick:
Correct. If there are kids. Or just make you feel a fool, but, again, none of that is relevant. But when there's children, there's a lot of reasons that does come into play.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Okay. So let me ask it this way. When is the best time to start dating after a divorce, of course?
Heather Quick:
Yeah. Go play the field first, just to see. Hey, maybe the grass isn't greener. No, I am totally being facetious, sarcastic.
Julie Morgan:
I know you are.
Heather Quick:
I am kidding. But earlier, in one of the episodes previously, we talked about really healing from this relationship so that you are a better version of yourself the next time you put yourself out there in a relationship. Everybody hears, "Oh, this is just the rebound," and that's because you're not thinking clearly. You're looking for, most likely, the things that you felt you were missing in your marriage. And that's why people do say take it slow. Give yourself time to mourn the relationship, mourn the marriage, and maybe understand why it didn't work out so that you can show up better in the next relationship.
I don't know where the saying came from, but I've heard it from very experienced, older divorce attorneys that, it takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break it. And that's fair. Even if you feel very victimized, I'm hopeful that, as you are coming out of that, you choose not to be the victim. You can see and learn from yourself who you were that allowed you to find that relationship and maybe understanding yourself is how you're going to maybe make different decisions or see things differently.
I just think that that helps set you up for success the next time around because I really do hope, as far as women, that this divorce just doesn't harden you so much that you never feel like there's an opportunity out there for you to have a relationship and have that connection with somebody. I think that's important. Humans are relational. It's really important to have that companionship. If you take the time to learn more about yourself, give yourself some time, I think you have more of an opportunity for success.
Julie Morgan:
That's probably especially important in terms of a marriage that has been pretty lengthy, a long marriage, if you were married for a long time.
Heather Quick:
The longer you’re married, you have shared so much of a life with somebody and then you haven't dated in a really long time, most likely, so it's different. As you start this next chapter of your life, really giving yourself some time to think, well, what is it that you want or that you are looking for? It's probably not really the exact copy of what you just got out of in your marriage, but there's parts of ourselves and probably psychology that might be attracted to that unless you figure out, "Oh, wait. That is not what I want."
Julie Morgan:
So that's where taking the time to get to that point comes into play?
Heather Quick:
It does. I know that is not usually what anyone wants to hear, and I recognize that. And that's why they don't ask me that often. But I'm not going to ask somebody something that I don't want the answer to. But if we're talking after the divorce, I do still think so. And when you're going through a divorce, just as that, it is an extremely different, and I want to say unnatural, but it is. You don't live like that, wondering about litigation or keeping track of so many things.
So you have to give yourself time to, "Okay, I was in the divorce. Now I need to figure out who I am." Because the person you are in litigation and divorce is really not who you want to show up as on a date. I think you want to give yourself time to get past that so that you're not an episode of one of those sitcoms where your first date, you're just talking about your ex the whole time. Probably won't be a second date. You know what I mean? I think that is why having that time after the divorce to figure out who you are now that you are really single. Legally single.
Julie Morgan:
Legally single.
Heather Quick:
You may have felt single for a long time, but now you're legally single.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Two totally different things. Now, I think it's interesting. The quote that you said. You didn't know who said it, but it, basically, goes back to looking at the relationship and also looking at yourself from your ex-partner's perspective. Can you see what happened in the marriage? And then you can look into a new relationship.
Heather Quick:
I think that that takes growth and a lot of emotional maturity to not blame somebody else, which I will raise my hand, as I am really good at blaming. Also reflecting on it because with that comes an opportunity for you to really have something that is better. But you have to show up different if you want something different. You keep asking the same questions and expecting a different answer, I think that's the definition of insanity. You have to do something different to get something different.
Julie Morgan:
Preach, Heather, preach. Oh, my goodness. Let me tell you.
Heather Quick:
I'm just saying, hey, I've heard it all. It's doing it that is the challenge that we all call life, right?
Julie Morgan:
Yes. Yes. Oh, man. Because I can't even tell you how many times I've asked the same question over and over again, wanting a different response, expecting a different response, but knowing I'm not going to get it, but I still keep asking. In so many situations.
Heather Quick:
Yes.
Julie Morgan:
Wow. And it's interesting how this applies to more than just marriage. So even if this is not something you're going through, there are so many takeaways from this. So many takeaways.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. When we return, we're going to talk about when you are ready to date. Stay with us.
Julie Morgan:
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. All right, Heather. So this is after the divorce. You've given yourself some time, so you are ready to start dating. What's the first thing we need to think about?
Heather Quick:
I think it may sound simple, but I think it's true to think about qualities that you are looking for in a partner, and probably that is a good word, a partnership in a relationship. What are you looking for from that? It could be as simple as, "I really want somebody who is active, who likes to play golf or tennis. Or he could be a runner, or just being outside, who likes that stuff. Or I want somebody who loves to read books and go to movies." Thinking of things that are your hobbies, likes, and interests that maybe you didn't pay attention to for a while, or you really didn't even explore, and now there's an opportunity for that. That's a great place to start because then you can have a good foundation.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And those could be your deal breakers or your must-haves. And you have to be honest with yourself about those things.
Heather Quick:
I think so because it's being open to all kinds of different people and meaning as far as you may not have dated in 10, 15 years. It's like, "Wow. Who do I want to be? What kind of person, what kind of personality? I want somebody who I can talk to and relate to." Then you do have to just go out there and meet people to determine that chemistry. But I think if you've thought it through and maybe you never expressed that you love to go walking through the woods and looking at birds or something. I'm just making that up. But you never really... "Well, we are dating. I knew that he wouldn't be interested in that." But you don't know and now you have this chance to say, "Hey, I really love this. Maybe I can find somebody who likes to do the same things I do."
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And you never know-
Heather Quick:
And by the way, I haven't been on many of them or any, but there's a Facebook group for everything. So you could say Bird Watchers of Northeast Florida and I bet there's a Facebook group. Somebody told me once there was a Facebook group for people who had had knee surgery and looking to get a reversal of something and have hardware removed. That specific, Julie, and it's fascinating to me. There's just all these ways to connect with people who like things that you like.
Julie Morgan:
Wow, I need to look at Facebook because I had no idea. What? Hey, serious. That's something. Okay, Heather.
Heather Quick:
I'm not advocating for that one way or another, but hey, it's there, so look at it. Check it out.
Julie Morgan:
Oh, no. I'm thinking... No. When I say that, I mean, specifically, the types of groups that are out there. I didn't, yeah. I didn't even think about that. That's interesting. Yeah. So also one thing I thought about is... And it goes back to just really being honest with yourself. Sitting down and saying, "Hey, this is what I really like. This is what I appreciate. So I need to find that person that I have these things in common with because it'll probably last longer than someone that you just have that sexual heat with, you know what I mean?
Heather Quick:
Yes, and the opportunities for meeting people are different now. Right. So, yeah. You may think, "Oh, well, I've got to meet this type of person doing this kind of job." But, yeah. Until you really put yourself out there in different environments, you don't know.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. You just don't know what's out there. Yeah. Online dating. We mentioned Facebook. It's probably going to happen, right?
Heather Quick:
Yes. I've certainly interviewed different folks on this because I have never done it. And it is a slippery, slippery slope. You have to be careful and you have to get educated because there are... Different sites mean different things, but I'm pretty sure there's a dating site for everybody. I think there's even farmers' dating sites or something like that.
Julie Morgan:
I've seen that commercial.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. We've seen the commercials. So there's lots of... There's Christian dating sites. There's certain age... Over a certain age. There's a lot of ways you can narrow it. There's also dating coaches to help you understand that area.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. But something I've heard from friends that have done online dating is whoever you meet may not match the profile.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. Like those headshots on websites and then you meet the person and you're like, "That was 20 years and 20 pounds ago." That’s probably something that... I know it's a challenge for a lot of people because that's not the world they were in when they met their spouse. But I think that you reach out, educate yourself to the best you can. I do think a dating coach is a great idea because they can really coach you and advise you through this process because you can be very vulnerable, and you can get hurt real easily certainly on these dating sites. You have to remember certain boundaries and make certain decisions, I think, ahead of time as far as what you're doing and who you're going to meet and all those safety things that we all know. Don't go all in on a dinner, public place, take your own car or Uber, and do something that maybe is not as much pressure too.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Yeah. You know what-
Heather Quick:
I saw that. A trip to the museum where you can talk about other stuff and don't maybe feel so much pressure just to sit across from somebody.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
And answer questions.
Julie Morgan:
And also, I like that idea because it is a public place. A lot of people are around. That's important.
Heather Quick:
I did watch this "The Tinder Swindler". Watch it. Understand what's out there because if you haven't been out there, you don't know. Of course, as we're watching it, we're going "Oh yeah. No. I saw that coming.” There are people out there that don't have good intentions and they're all... And they're everywhere.It's not to say that they haven't existed forever, but when you're vulnerable, you're vulnerable and that's who people pick. That is when somebody is out for no good. They've got the radar for that vulnerability. We don't want to see that happen to anyone.
Julie Morgan:
No. And you may watch that and say, "Oh," like you said, "I saw that coming. That'll never happen to me." But when you're in the situation, you don't know that.
Heather Quick:
And they're professional con artists. The skills they have, they could probably be very successful legally, but that's not the path they've chosen. So just understand it's true. If you've watched that, you're like, "Wow. You all could really probably do stuff on the up and up." But I just think it's important that you... Again, we've talked about this probably in at least every episode. It's taking personal responsibility and having your eyes open and you do want to have your own personal boundaries. Protect yourself because you're venturing into a whole new world.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
It's going to be exciting and fun, and that's, just protect yourself.
Julie Morgan:
And you mentioned our previous episodes. If you want to go and listen to our previous episodes, you can go to the website, Women Winning Divorce.com. Subscribe, download, and listen to the previous episodes. One thing that keeps coming up in my mind, as we have this conversation, is stay away from narcissists. You may not have been with one before, but stay away from them. And that's one of the episodes that you can listen to on our website. But seriously, you know I'm right, Heather. Stay away.
Heather Quick:
I do. We talked about, "Hey, you got in it. You didn't see it coming." Listen to it, look at that and say, "Okay. I'm seeing this and this is probably not the person I want to be with.”
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
They're overbearing. They're trying to totally take over my whole life and be involved in my whole life. We've been on one or two dates. Maybe take a step back.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
When you didn't listen to your friends before, listen to them now.
Julie Morgan:
Yes. Yes. Especially the ones that were right before because they will probably be right again. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
Heather Quick:
Right and especially people who care about you and know you and see that. Be open and say, "Hey, what do you think?" Ask them because for people that care about you, that's their only goal is to see you with somebody who maybe is better for you than the last relationship.
Julie Morgan:
Right. Right. And I think about the dates that you go on, especially when you think about meeting someone online. We go back to being in a public setting. That is so important because your safety is first. It's paramount. But another thing I thought about is the type of date that it is. It doesn't have to be dinner or coffee, right. It could be, like you said, going to the museum, even a workout class or riding a bike in a public park, right?
Heather Quick:
Yeah. Something that, maybe, makes it not so much pressure. Just looking at each other in the conversation. I think once you have a couple of these dates and meet people, you can recognize, "Okay. Probably pretty early on, I don't like you." And say, "You know what? Thanks, but I have to go." This isn't about somebody else's feelings. It's a coffee date. If you don't like the way they... Or they don't drink coffee. They only drink teas. Then, say, "Okay." If that's a deal breaker for you, that's a deal breaker. Walk away. I don't know. But whatever it is, you know what I mean?
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
You're back in the day where you can be like, "No, thank you." And walk away.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And it's better to understand that earlier if that's a deal breaker for you. It's better to understand sooner rather than later.
Heather Quick:
Yes. Yes. Especially in those early dates that are certainly from online where you don't really know where the person's coming from, you do need to look out for yourself, okay. You hear somebody's sob story and then you're like, "Oh, I feel so bad not going out with him again." No. Don't do it. Don't get sucked into that.
Julie Morgan:
No. You need to let that go.
Heather Quick:
Indeed. Yes. You're not out there to save the world. And don't go out there looking for somebody to save you either. Yeah.
Julie Morgan:
No. Yeah. So that dating coach that you mentioned earlier, wow. That would come in handy, right? Wow.
Heather Quick:
It's fascinating. There's so many out there. There's a lot of support out there. There are so many great things out there and available that I do encourage you to look and see, and find that kind of support in areas that you would not have thought of.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And if you have a friend that you know has experience with online dating, talk to them.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely.
Julie Morgan:
Talk to them. Ask them questions about this. Learn from their mistakes so you don't make the same mistakes.
Heather Quick:
Yes.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. We're going to take a quick break here, but when we return, we're going to talk more about dating. Stay with us.
Julie Morgan:
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. All right, Heather. So first date. "Of course, I'm going to talk about my ex-husband and my kids and I'm going to show them pictures. I'm going to pull out... I have an accordion, right, of the pictures. And I'm just going to pull that out, whip that out and I'm going to show them Johnny, Timmy and Mike."
Heather Quick:
Yeah. You know what I'm going to say about that. I'm going to say it for a lot of reasons, but be safe and be smart. You have no idea who this person is and don't open up your whole life because you don't know if they deserve to know that information.
Julie Morgan:
Right.
Heather Quick:
You do need to vet them. You need to determine, "Hey, have they earned the right to know that much about me? Are they a safe person?" So I think that you can... You're not hiding the fact that you're not divulging all of this information. I think that's the kind of person that does open themselves up to somebody who doesn't have good intentions because you're just being very vulnerable. If that's what you want to do, I would say, you're not ready to date.
Julie Morgan:
You know what? That's a good point. If you go on a first date and you do that, you need to take a step back and say, "Okay. I'm not ready." Think about that.
Heather Quick:
I think that's just the reflection and maybe go on a test date with somebody and then you're like, "Wow. I don't know how to do this. I need some more... I need a coach. I need some guidance, or maybe I need more time." I think that's something that's reflective about you. Not even as far as the top 10 dating tips, which... I haven't dated in a long time. So, I'm just speaking from the side of safety and something that... From what I've learned talking to dating coaches and different folks just to help equip us better for our clients. If you share that much at the very beginning, I think it's good to reflect, "Why did I do that?" And a lot of times it's just nervousness, honestly. It's just to think that fill the void, but yet you've disclosed a bunch of information that, maybe, was too soon.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
You know.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And you talking about your ex and all the things that you just didn't like about him, that's really not the time to do that. It's not the time or the place because they want to know about you, not your ex.
Heather Quick:
Right. Right. If they do like it and they feed on you not liking your ex, you've got to wonder, "That doesn't seem like that's healthy." You don't want to spend a date with somebody else talking about somebody that you've just finished the divorce with and, again, you have to reflect, "Why am I spending so much time talking about this person? Maybe I haven't fully resolved those issues."
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. That's true. I didn't think about "you're not over it". If you have to do that, that means that you are not over it and you need to take a step back and just pause.
Heather Quick:
Yeah.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. So what about the phone? I go to a restaurant and I see two people sitting at a table and they're both on the phone and I'm thinking, "Are you here for each other?" So you should probably, I'm thinking, put the phone away. That'll let someone know that you're actually interested in them.
Heather Quick:
I see that all the time and there's my husband and I will be like, "Look at that family. They're all looking at their phones." And then, we're like, "Kids. Put away your phones." No. We're all here together. Yes. So I think that's going to depend. There are people like that, but also if you're with somebody and they're doing that, it's nowadays the watch. If you really want to make a good impression on somebody, don't even wear your watch, especially this Apple watch that gives you information all the time. You'll be completely distracted.
Heather Quick:
If that's who you are, then I guess that's who you are. If you want to date somebody who doesn't care if you look at your phone the whole time and maybe, they don’t. How are you going to really get to know somebody if you're distracted and you're not going to pick up on your normal cues that you might otherwise do. I do think that you should have your phone and you should have that backup friend that's going to call you 15 minutes in and have your code word. If you're like, "Oh, my gosh. This just happened. I have to go." Because if you're not at the point where you're like, " I don't want to be here. I'm out." If you want to just have a more polite, graceful way to do that, I think that's a good idea.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. I think that's a good idea too, but someone just constantly looking at their phone and you're this first date, it's a way to start to get to know a person. But if they're on their phone or you're on your phone, then you're not getting to know each other. And so that's really not smart. Yeah. Another thing I thought about is alcohol, right. A few beers and several glasses of wine. That's really got to throw you off.
Heather Quick:
You have to watch out for that because, particularly, you've been in a relationship a long time, you are in a safe space or whatever, you do. You have to be smart. Even the girls going to college and things like that, their concern and their safety issues are that people aren't putting stuff in their drink. That's what the kids are out there are thinking now when they're dating or at a bar, but that's because it's happened a lot. So be mindful and be smart and safe. I would say that for the beginning and I know it's very socially acceptable. It makes it a little easier. You just want to be wise and use restraint. Because, again, you're out on a date with the person that you don't know or you're getting to know, and you just got to look out for those kinds of things.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And that made me think what you just mentioned about college students. And that thought is, if you leave the table and your drink is on the table and you come back, is it safe to drink whatever was there?
Heather Quick:
It's a crazy world that we do think of that, Julie, but it is. It's the world we are in and it's not even just watching too many movies or Law and Order, on my part. It's just the facts-
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
It’s the world we live in. And it's been a long time since you've been out or shoot. Even if it has not been a long time, it's been a period of time and things have changed and not everybody deserves your trust right away. They should earn that.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
So you have to look out for yourself while they're doing that.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Because there are things that someone can put in your drink and you'd never even know it, and then you are really in a bad situation. Yeah. And that brings me to the next point. If you have a gut instinct about something, you should trust it. Am I right?
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. I recommend a book called "The Gift of Fear". And it is amazing. On Oprah's podcast, I remember I watched her interview this guy back in the... Maybe it was the '90s. It wasn't all the way back to the '80s, but it was the '90s. There's a new book out by Malcolm Gladwell. I think it's called "Perfect Strangers". Both are really good as to say we, as humans, have great instincts, but we are the only species that ignore instincts. Animals don't ignore their instincts and when they sense some bad situation, they run off. We, and, particularly, women, are afraid of being rude, but something in you says "This isn't right. This doesn't feel right." I really urge everybody to read that book, listen to that podcast. Embrace your instincts and listen to them.
Heather Quick:
And don't worry about your manners in that as they affect your instincts. Now if you're single and you're living alone, even more so embrace that and take that very, very seriously. I always have, probably just growing up with my grandfather, who's a judge and just very much instilled that in me. I've always had dogs and not really big dogs, but just a dog. I learned a long time ago, probably when this came out, when my dog didn't like somebody, and granted she was a little Cocker Spaniel that was very attached to me and maybe not the nicest, but that was okay.
But she was feeding off of my energy because maybe I was nervous or something. I say that to say, "Trust it." If you have a dog and they don't like the person, if your kids don't like the person, don't just dismiss all of that right away. If you get a weird feeling, don't push it aside because they're really cute and that feeling you have doesn't seem to be consistent with the way they're behaving. Our instincts are so good and strong and I think it's really important that if you have that, if you feel it, move on. Move on. Go somewhere else. I don't think we talk about it enough and that was why you probably were in that relationship for way too long because you denied and you pushed aside your instincts, explained them away when you knew it was time, and you knew it wasn't working. So that little service message on that.
Julie Morgan:
That was a good service message. Tell us the podcast and, also, the books again.
Heather Quick:
The book is called "The Gift of Fear". I'm trying to see who... Gavin De Becker is the author. There's a lot of stuff that he's done out there, but if you search for "The Gift of Fear", it's just a great book and it's amazing for women. I really think that women can learn so much about their selves and, basically, true fear is a gift because it really... True fear, where you've... We've all watched the movie and we're like, "Don't go down that alley. Don't do it."
That's what we're talking about. Or you're like, "Huh? I don't know. That guy slowing down to help me." No. Because we really do sense it and we'd rather be overreacting and safe than have ended up in a situation. So I think it's really important for women when you are now entering the dating world and you haven't been in it for a while. It's just like with my daughters and young, single women. I really embrace this because when you're out there with somebody else, you're the only one. So you really need to tune in to your instincts and look out for yourself.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. The book is 400 pages. Not a lot. You can go to the beach, read the book, and there you go. So, yeah. Definitely. That is a good idea. Now, you mentioned something about the kids and that's the last question I have for you on here. All right. When do you introduce the kids to your new beau?
Heather Quick:
Gosh, I don't have a good answer for that. I know I was always a pill anytime my mother introduced me to somebody, so.
Julie Morgan:
And I wanted you to tell you.
Heather Quick:
I was right. I was right. And she would probably agree. She would still say I was a pill, but. So I don't know. I really don't and I think that that is something... again, your instincts should help you with that, but also a therapist, a life coach, a dating coach, maybe, hopefully, somebody you've been working with. I don't know that anybody needs to be introduced to anybody until, maybe, you think, "Okay. This could be serious." But then, I think there are very experienced and educated counselors and mental health people who could really help you with that. Children and family therapists really help you do the... At least the best that you can with that because... I would say, frankly, it's going to depend on the age of your kids too. Just because they're young, they're in their twenties and in college that... I'm not saying that means they're going to handle it any better.
So I think there's just a lot. That's such a big question that you really should talk to somebody about that because your children love you and they're going to have different reactions based also on where they are, developmentally, and what your relationship is with them. I would try and there's going to be no perfect way. You may do everything the therapist said, or you've read all these books and it just is a total disaster. Hey, but you did the best that you could and you tried.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
Would be my advice on that because most things can all work out. People do have other relationships and friendships, companions, and their children, generally, your children, generally, want the best for you, I would think.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
Hope.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Any parting words?
Heather Quick:
Well, good luck. If you're out there dating, have fun, be safe and I think it's good. It'd be good if you have dates that don't work out. Not multiple relationships where you feel like you give your heart to somebody that probably doesn't deserve it, but have an open... I think it's great if you are open and wanting to be out there in the world because too many people are so hardened that they won't try to have that companion again. And I think that, as we said in the beginning, we're relational people and that is important, but it's important to have them. Surround yourself with good friends and family who can, maybe, help keep you centered through this whole new world because it's different and it's changing.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, it's always a pleasure.
Heather Quick:
Oh, thank you, Julie. This was a fun one to talk about.
Julie Morgan:
It was. Until next time.
Heather Quick:
Thank you so much.
Julie Morgan:
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