In this episode we dive into the topic of life after divorce. Becoming a single mom is tough. How best can we navigate the pitfalls that catch others who may not be on the lookout for life's adversities?
"Women Winning Divorce" is a radio show and podcast hosted by Heather Quick, CEO and Owner of Florida Women's Law Group. Each week we focus on different aspects of family law to help guide women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges they are facing. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Join Heather each week as she discusses family law issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation and more.
This program was created to provide tips and insight to women with family law issues. It is not intended to be legal advice because every situation is different.
Visit us at https://www.womenwinningdivorce.com/ for more resources.
Text us at 904-944-6800 for a copy of Heather's Top 5 Divorce Tips.
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Women Winning Divorce
Episode 11
Transitioning to Life as a Single Mom
Julie Morgan:
Welcome to Women Winning Divorce with your host, Heather Quick. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Each week, we provide knowledge and guidance on different aspects of family law, to help lead women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges that they are facing. Listen in as she discusses issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation, and other family law issues, to provide insight on the journey of women with winning divorce. Welcome to the show. I'm Julie Morgan, and I'm joined by your host, Heather Quick. Hi, Heather. It's good to see you again.
Heather Quick:
Good to see you as well, Julie. How are you today?
Julie Morgan:
I'm doing quite well. How are you?
Heather Quick:
I'm great. Thank you.
Julie Morgan:
Good, another terrific topic. I don't know who comes up with these topics, but they're doing a great job, I tell you.
Heather Quick:
Yes, they are and it's what the women want to hear. So, hopefully, they're on and listening to these things, because that's really where we get a lot of this content.
Julie Morgan:
Yes, exactly. This topic today, I think about it and it's going to cover something that even if you did not get a divorce per se, but you and your partner are no longer together, it's becoming a single mom and reinventing yourself.
Heather Quick:
Yes.
Julie Morgan:
How important is this? Because when I think about this topic, I think about our very first show together and how you talked about the fact that you were about empower... I can't even say the word. Empowering women. How important is this?
Heather Quick:
Well, I think this is really the very top of the list. When you are going through a divorce, which is a life changing event, and we may have touched on this in a previous show, but when you're married, it's natural that is part of your identity, just like being a mom is part of your identity. Being married is such a part of your identity that the shift from it shouldn't be underestimated because you may still be a mom, but now you are a single mom. You have to really psychologically accept that, and hopefully in a positive way. This is all going to be okay, it's going to be different, but that doesn't mean it's going to be bad.
Julie Morgan:
I was thinking that there's power in positive thinking, as well.
Heather Quick:
It's true. There's been studies as far as what effects positive thinking has on your health, certainly your physical health, your mental health and emotional health, by the way you approach these types of issues.
Julie Morgan:
I also think about this, it is normal to feel sad.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. It's going to be a whole salad mix of emotions as you go through the divorce, and you're going to have a little bit of everything and go back and forth. It seems like a roller coaster. I think that is not only normal, but very healthy. Get them out. If you bottle it all in, where's it going to go? One day you may explode. So, absolutely, feel your feelings, acknowledge them and move on.
Julie Morgan:
You said, acknowledge them and move on. But you have to actually take the time to grieve the life that you had. Again, here comes the point where we talked about therapy.
Heather Quick:
Right and having that moment, giving yourself that time. Honestly it can seem indulgent to give yourself that time to talk and rehash it, but it can be very valuable. It may be for a period of time, and ideally, I think that's what it would be, it'd be for a period of time, maybe more intensive, to give yourself an opportunity to flesh out these feelings and emotions. Then you're not lashing out or sharing them with your children or your ex-to-be or family, because that's exhausting for everyone else.
Julie Morgan:
You touched on a point. It also helps you to be a good parent because after you've gone through this process and you're able to let it go, then you're able to parent in a much better way.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah and this also can strengthen your children, as well. Help them overcome any obstacles.
Heather Quick:
Well, it is because they're going to look to you, both parents. You can only control how you show up for them. They are going to look to you and when you’re showing them, "Everything's going to be okay. We still love you. I am not an emotional wreck that you now have to take care of." Children will, I mean, obviously, kids feel like, "Oh, I've got to protect you" and there's not anything wrong with that. Kids should have those strong feelings for their parents, but in a sense of, "Hey, you're okay. Remember, I'm still a parent. I can still take care of you. You are being cared for, I have not just fallen off the deep end and you're out there on your own."
Julie Morgan:
You're still letting them be children. It helps in that way, and not making them grow up too fast.
Heather Quick:
Yes, and they will, by nature of their experiencing a life event, maybe earlier than other kids. We know that's life, things happen. It's maybe earlier than some of their other friends or kids, but I believe, if, as parents and as a mom, if you handle it in the best way possible and take care of yourself, so you can take care of them, they're going to be fine. They're going to have learned some important life skills that will help them. It will absolutely help them down the road and as adults.
Julie Morgan:
Something you have to consider though, is will there be enough money to take care of me and the kids?
Heather Quick:
Yes, and that I would say, is probably the number one fear or concern for anyone going through a divorce, particularly women who are not the breadwinner.
Julie Morgan:
So, that's something that, as their attorney, you help them with, as far as getting to that number, in order to help you to take care of the kids after the fact.
Heather Quick:
Exactly, those numbers, yes, we work through with them on it. Many times, it's usually always eye-opening if you're not really involved with the bills or paying the bills. I will tell you, from whatever level of finances, it's still going to be a bit of a change. That's where we help our clients, "Okay, well, this is your lifestyle. This is the money available, and this is what we get to count towards, say, alimony.” Child support's a formula. You have to look at if it's an alimony case first, then we look at child support. But everything, as you know, from doing this for so long with us, it all melds together, but it all does relate to one another.
That's where your attorney and their staff should be spending a lot of time with you. Like we do, with the paralegals, really working on the financials, understanding, essentially, what comes in now and what gets spent now, so that you have a clear picture of your finances. Then we can look at, "This is what we see afterwards and this is what we expect, where the case will resolve itself." Whether that's in an agreement or by a court, by the judge.
Julie Morgan:
If you'd like to listen back to the shows on alimony, you can go to our website, womenwinningdivorce.com, to listen and download and subscribe to the podcast. In addition to money, you also have to think about shouldering those responsibilities, those daily responsibilities involving the kids and also the ones not involving the kids.
Heather Quick:
Yes, it's going to be a change. Now, I will tell you, for a majority of people getting divorced, in my experience, the fear of what it's going to be like is probably more so than really what it is because the relationship hasn't been good. If you're a woman and you're like, "Well, I didn't even want this" but then you come to the realization, "Hey, it wasn't that great." Whatever was going on, we're adjusting.
Now, maybe there is more peace in the home. Actually, what a lot of women find is father’s get more involved in the daily lives of the children. They say "why does he want to know all of this? He has never cared who the kids' teachers were, what they were doing in school, or the extracurricular activities I signed them up for. Now, I have to get his permission, his agreement." So, can you imagine, now, that is a reality of a lot of things that there is almost more frustrating than the lack of talking about it.
Julie Morgan:
You know what? I didn't even think about that part, because you, possibly, the woman, the wife, possibly handled all of that and he allowed that. That was the agreement.
Heather Quick:
He loved it, he had benefited. He didn't have to make any decisions. He wasn't having to deal with the grades, all the emails from all the teachers on the school, and the school events. Yeah, no, he got a pass.
Julie Morgan:
Yes, signing the papers, just in case the child got a bad grade. "Make sure your parents see this." He didn't have to deal with that.
Heather Quick:
Most likely not. Doctors’ visits, making sure the immunizations, the school forms the kids need. It is a lot.
Julie Morgan:
I didn't even think about that aspect of it. And you know what? I wonder if men, do they think about it? I wonder.
Heather Quick:
Well, I could offer a guess, and I would say no.
Julie Morgan:
No, I don't think they think about that, either. Not at all.
Heather Quick:
Correct.
Julie Morgan:
That's a good one. Another thing we talked about, also on the show, about alimony, was about making sure that you are financially independent or trying to get to that point, so you don't have to rely solely on the money coming from your ex.
Heather Quick:
That is a goal that I may have, our office may have for so many women. Maybe that's not their goal right now because they can't really see that. I will tell you that, particularly in the world we live in now, it's different. The ways to make money are different. There's so many opportunities for women that I see all around. I think it's fabulous.
Whether it's those multi-level marketing things, but women make a good living on so many of those skincare, makeup things that allow them to have flexibility. They don't have to go get a degree. They don't have to work a structured 9-to-5 and I think that is amazing. I think that women maybe say, "I don't have any experience." It's like, you have a whole social circle.
Especially if you've been raising a family, you've been really, logistically, doing so much. You can leverage the people you know, and your friendships to maybe provide just a little bit of extra, but then recognizing what you could do for yourself. I just think it's great. I remember, Julie, you and I are so young, but remember the Avon and Tupperware back in the day? We've heard about that. But that was it, and now, you can just be on Facebook and maybe your interest is fitness or coaching. There are so many things you can educate yourself on and then begin to have a type of career, a type of extra source of income that I just think is amazing.
That's the way I look at things. There is a lot of opportunity and I know that it seems fearful, and women are like, "Oh my gosh, am I going to have to go work for minimum wage?" Nobody's going to make you do anything, but if you can expand your mind to everything out there, I see stuff being sold all the time, and I'm way behind on the TikTok and all that. I mean, my kids, my son's like, "Mom, let me play more video games. I can make all this money on YouTube video games." I was like, "I don't know that you're that good, and I'm not ready to commit to you doing that eight hours a day." But he's got a good sales pitch for it, and it's out there.
Julie Morgan:
It really is, it really is. The way you expressed yourself right there, I can tell how passionate you are about the topic of making women feel powerful. Absolutely.
Heather Quick:
Well, it's amazing because if you've never really earned your own money and spent it or invested and done things based on your ability, you just haven't experienced that as how free you feel, compared to that before. Because maybe sometimes you don't even know. You don't know what you don't know. You don't know that feeling, but then all of a sudden you're like, "Well, I can go buy a car now and qualify. I can do this for myself. I am not dependent."
That’s a great feeling, even if you are married, to be able to like, "Hey, I can contribute because I get a sense of accomplishment on my own." I do think that's important for women, in general, to have that feeling. It can be from just even a part-time job, some little things. There is so much out there and I think it just does give you a sense of there's more to me and my identity, as we started this show, than just a mom and a wife. Like, "I can do this. I can sell this. I can learn about this. I can contribute back." I do believe that's really important for all humans, but mainly women during this transition to experience that and have that going for them psychologically.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. We're taking a quick break here. And when we return, we're going to talk about when the kids are with the other parent, what happens then, and which should your relationship be with your ex? Stay with us.
Julie Morgan:
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. So, Heather, the kids, they have to go with the father at some point, right? We can't stop that from happening.
Heather Quick:
No. Obviously, there's the extreme cases, but as far as the norm, no. Honestly, you don't want to but it's good for the kids. The saddest thing, we're going to talk about co-parenting, which has its challenges, no doubt. But any woman listening to this whose children's father doesn't show up and doesn't make the time for them, they know that's really hard, too. So, that is another thing. We don't always think about that because we're like, "This is so hard," but I promise you, you really don't want it the other way, because of what your children's heartbreak is.
Julie Morgan:
When I let the kids go out, go to spend time with their father, I shouldn't be afraid that something's going to happen to them all night, just staying up and trying to figure out, "Oh no, what did I do?"
Heather Quick:
Yes, the time to have thought about that was before you had children with this person, I got to tell you. I know that's not helpful advice because that ship has sailed. That's the reality, and I get it. I have heard that on many, many occasions. Frankly, I would've felt the same way when my kids were little. I would have, because I've gotten this crazy protective, so much love. It's scary to think that I'm not there.
But even though we are both doing the same thing, which is sleeping at night, hoping they don't wake up, things like that. It is just not productive, and you will drive yourself crazy. You have to trust them; you did choose to have children with this person. Maybe there was something about yourself there that made that worthwhile, and I've heard it all the time, and they're not who they thought they were. They don't know how to give the kids a bath. They're not going to feed them good food and they're not going to put them to bed on time. And that's true, they're not. They're different. It's going to be a different experience at their dad's house, because you're different. You don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of stuff, and probably parenting is one of them.
Julie Morgan:
I think about those things, and it's interesting. Those things aren't necessarily the end of the world. It's okay. Not going to bed on time? All right, that's fine. They may be tired the next day, but eh. You know?
Heather Quick:
It is, and having raised teenagers and been through when they're younger and they stay up until late, they're really cranky, and then everybody is in for the tantrum that next evening. They're tired. But that just happened in life. It's like if they went to see their grandparents for the weekend. You know they will get way too much sugar and get to do whatever they want.
I think, particularly as women, I will say, we expect them to do it the way we want to do it and the way we said to do it. I think they intentionally do not for a while there, because maybe it's like, "No, we don't have to eat at 6:30 and then bath time. We don't have to be on this rigid schedule because I'm not living with you anymore and I love my kids, and we're just going to do what we're going to do."
Those are the types of things that drive most women crazy because it's different. It's going to be an adjustment when they come home. It always is. It's that first 24 hours, because kids are really trying to understand the different emotions, they feel with that and they act out and there's just an adjustment when they come back, and that's normal. No mom likes it. They're like, "Well, if he would only do X, Y, Z, I wouldn't have to deal with this." Well, that's just not going to happen, it really isn't. There is going to be that period when they return and maybe they are tired, maybe they're wearing a dirty shirt and they tell you they've eaten at McDonald's three times a day.
A lot of this might be more in the beginning because then people realize, "Hey, this isn't good. This isn't healthy, and we got to get some stuff done." I do see sometimes it becomes a little bit more normal, to the extent that it really depends on how much time they spend with their dad and we're going to get to that. But if it's just a short, every other weekend, which that's not really the norm anymore, that's the way it used to be, 15, 20 years ago. The more time, actually, that they spend with their other parent, the more it's just life. Like, we have to do what we have to do. So, I think to give women hope.
Julie Morgan:
The more time they spend with him, the more structure they'll have when they are with him.
Heather Quick:
Maybe and the more you can let that go, the better off you're going to be.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, also, you have to think about having a respectful relationship with your ex. This is interesting because you could use the kids as a little spy, right?
Heather Quick:
Yes, and that's terrible. Because I think kids are naturally going to share stuff and not react. Because then, I will tell you, if they tell you they spent the whole day at Chuck E Cheese or whatever, I don't even know if those things are still around, but Dave & Busters, if you, then, go give their dad a hard time, it just turns into then they're not going to share. So, listen and try to be supportive. Don't make notes on all the stuff that you're going to give their dad a hard time about. Unless it's really significant, let it go. By you chastising or trying to control the situation through that parent, it comes back to the kid.
Because then the dad's going to be like, "Come on, I want to go here, but don't tell mom. She's going to give us a hard time." Then you end up being the bad guy and then they're not going to tell you, and you kind of want to know. You really want to know, ideally, that they're obviously safe and that they're growing that relationship. Because the relationship with kids and their parents changes after divorce. It's more of they have a relationship with mom and then they have a different kind of relationship with their dad. But it's just going to be different, and they may get way more attention from their dad than they did when y'all were married.
Julie Morgan:
So, make sure they have a positive view of both of you.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely, a positive view of mom and how she talks and treats their father. I very, very much think that is the way to go. You can't control what your ex-husband has to say or the way he talks about you, but you can control yourself and your children will appreciate that, and they will respect you for that. If he really is as bad as you say, they'll figure that out eventually. But they'll be more resistant if you're the one always bad mouthing or criticizing.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. That's funny. You've said that multiple times over different shows, that they will figure it out eventually.
Heather Quick:
They really do. They do. It's hard, but we as humans, the earlier we can learn, I think, coping skills and dealing with change, the better off we are.
Julie Morgan:
The Disney parent. Of course, we're not advocating any particular theme park or business, but this does happen.
Heather Quick:
Yes. And I am partial to Disney. So, I think I can say that just because I love Disney World. It is magical.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. I am, too. I got to tell you, I have a band aid on my finger and it's Mickey Mouse. I am a Mickey Mouse crazy person.
Heather Quick:
We are on the same page. See, I knew. That's why I like you. I could just read that magicalness. Well, one, I think, I know my parents took me when they were together, but then after, guess how many times I went into Disney World, me and my brother, with my dad. There are a couple things to this that I share for all parents, and particularly moms, because it really, I know, drives them crazy, because they're like, "He's got the money to do that. I don't. I feel like I can't provide that."
That may, in fact, be true. I get it. It's different. But many times, the dad is like, "Well, I don't know what to do, and this is the way I know how to show I love my kids and keep us occupied and have fun.” I think that, in truth, is part of it. I really don't believe, and obviously every case is different, but it's not about you as a mom. It's really not. They're not doing that to get back at you, and I know it feels like it.
They're doing it because they're trying to build a relationship with their kids and they're trying to figure out what do we do if we only have a few days together. Because I think where everybody thought, "Oh, it's the Disney Dad," is back in the day, when it was just every other weekend. It wasn't part of the school day, school week where there's homework, there's sports. There's things you just have to do. But a lot of times, on the weekends, there wasn't. If you think about the dad, he's like, "All right, now I've got a two-bedroom apartment. We're not in the neighborhood with all your friends, if mom and you guys stayed there."
It's going to be a different experience, and he's looking for ways to entertain the children, and build a relationship. It is rare that is sustainable for many years. You're going to see it in the beginning a lot more, and your kids are not the worst off for it. There are so many other things that I think could be damaging. But, of course, as I've told you, I went to Disney world a lot so, I don't really see that as the worst thing ever.
Julie Morgan:
No, I don't think it is, at all. But a mom may look at it that way because she's thinking, "I have to try to compete."
Heather Quick:
Yes. Julie, I understand, for these women, because I am ridiculously competitive, in situations that nobody else is. They're like, "We're not competing," but I'm like, "Oh, yeah, it is like that." So, I get it. I do. That's just the way I am, and it's not quite right. I'll tell you. But the more you can change that way of looking at it as a competition, the better off you're going to be.
Honestly, I can really empathize with how that feels, and I know my mom felt that way, but we did. We had trips, we had fun, they were different. Of course, we went to Disney, too. It's just understanding kids know. Kids love stuff. Are you kidding me? Of course they do. But they also know who stays up with them at night when they're sick, and they know who reads them their stories and cuddles with them. Long-term, I think what any parent wants is our kids to feel loved, really, by both parents. You do. You want your kids to feel, because that really affects the way they develop.
I understand that innate need to compete with everybody even though they aren't even competing with you. The sooner within a divorce that you can separate yourself from that or not look at it that way, the better off you are going to be. That will be something that takes a conscious understanding of how you're approaching that and beginning to look at things differently.
Julie Morgan:
What's really interesting, that keeps coming up, without you actually saying it, is that the father, he's just trying to do the best that he can.
Heather Quick:
I do believe that. Everybody's best is different because you only have the tools you have. Honestly, it is based on the way you were raised, the way you grew up, your belief systems. I'm not even going to say it's all dads or moms. There are people out there who just don't have this, and they're not trying to do the best they can, and they're not doing anything. But I think the majority of people, it's just also a better way to view and look at life and at your situation.
Going back to how do you want to live the rest of your life and you’re always going to be connected to this person by the children, like it or not. I know, "Oh, well they're going to be 18 in 10 years." But then there's always somewhat of a connection because the children are a part of both of you. So, that's where the work is, it's with you and the way you're going to resolve that. I just admire people who really work at it and women who really work on it, and they are happier, and they have better relationships with their children. That doesn't mean being best friends with your ex. That's not really required at all.
Julie Morgan:
Another thing I thought about, though, the kids, they may try to use this, use the situation.
Heather Quick:
Oh, girl, so much. I mean, come on now. I can say this because I have my little three angels, and children are manipulative by nature. I mean, come on, from a very, very young age, they say, "Oh, if I cry, I get this." I mean, they are. Once they become teenagers, they know how to work the system. That's normal, it really is normal behavior.
They're going to work you and work their dad. The smarter they are and the better they get at it, and that's not them, and I'm not saying they're being deceitful or anything, they're just working it, and they will maybe play one against the other because that's just what kids do. It's really not out to hurt one person or the other. You have to stay tough and set the boundaries and be strong in who you are, and not that dad said this could happen.
Those are real issues that you will deal with, I think, as a single parent dealing with your ex, really all through their childhood adolescence. There's going to be a, "Dad said I could do this." Sometimes, then, maybe you don't agree, or maybe you're concerned about the finances related to such an activity or trip. Again, we go back to co-parenting and it's going to take really trying to communicate. Sometimes I think it's going to go where you get the final say. It's, "No, they're not doing this" and maybe, sometimes, it is him. There are going to be those situations.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. We're taking a quick break here, and when we return, we're going to talk about reinventing yourself. Stay with us.
Julie Morgan:
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Heather, this is a perfect time for women to reinvent themselves.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely.
Julie Morgan:
But I'm like, "How do I do that?"
Heather Quick:
Well, and that is the big question, right? Now you have some time that you may never really have had before. For whatever reason, or virtue you never had a break or a weekend off. That's going to be different, and it can be a great time for you to maybe figure out who you want to be and what you like. Maybe you've pushed aside all the things you like for so long, you don't even know.
Julie Morgan:
I just want to say, "Preach." Yeah. Don't pay attention to me. But you think about this, you will have some time. So, when the kids are with the father, you can do something new, try something new. Instead of sitting around, possibly sulking, you can try something new.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely and it doesn't have to be you go out skydiving. I mean, it does not have to be that big of anew thing. It can be maybe some type of new exercise. Like, "Oh, I've wanted to go to this yoga studio to all these classes." You have the opportunity to go try new classes, new gyms, go for a walk on the beach. Maybe just sit and read a book at the beach. Because most likely, for years at the beach, you're not sitting there reading a book. You're watching your kids, making sure they don't drown. Now, you could go and just indulge, and just read a book outside, if you like the outside, without that other responsibility.
Julie Morgan:
Sit there and relax. I thought about that. It's possible that you may have associated, "I don't like this, because I have to do this at a particular time." Why not try it again, when you don't have that responsibility?
Heather Quick:
Exactly. Because you may look different, and that may have been some time ago, and things are different now. One, not everybody likes to read. I love to read for fun. I read a lot of business books, self-help books, but also a lot of novels. That is such a treat if I can go to the beach, I do love going to the beach, being out in the sun, and just read a book, and not have to watch anybody. That is a luxury. For me, that doesn't cause much money at all, really, and it's just peaceful.
Find what that is. Maybe it's just a nice walk somewhere different, or a bike ride. It doesn't always have to be an exercise. I love being outside. In Florida, we have that opportunity all the time. But you know what also can be amazing, and I know this is something we're going to talk about, but painting. I'm not saying, paint a wall or something. I'll tell you a funny story about that, but you can learn a lot from that, and actually, it clears your mind a lot to paint.
Julie Morgan:
That's so funny. I was thinking about that. I was thinking, there are so many places that offer paint and drink a glass of wine. I mean, that's just awesome. Right? But you don't even have to do that. You can sit at home and paint your wall while you drink a glass of wine.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. If you do that, it depends how much glass of wine, because let me tell you, in my twenties, I had a place and I was like, "I'm going to paint the walls," because it was a very dated, old place. Shocking as it may be, I'd never done anything like that in my life and I did this in law school.
It was during exams. I went to the Home Depot. I was a regular at Home Depot, get a can of paint, a roller, a paintbrush, whatever, come back the next day, covered in paint. I need more paint because, obviously, I'm not very good at it. I had callouses. I'd never done anything that hard in my life. I am being absolutely honest. Like a 26-year-old, I had never done any kind of manual labor whatsoever. I have quite the appreciation for somebody that can paint walls. I'm not talking artwork, that's even a whole other level and I do not possess those skills.
But you're focusing on keeping the paint, if you're like me, on the wall, not on the ceiling and not on the trim. You can't have all these other thoughts that may be self-destructive, and maybe you're brightening a room and changing something. Paint really is not that expensive. It's a very nice way to change your environment. Let's say you're in the same house and you just start with a bathroom or something like that. I think it can be very healthy as well as making something fresh and new.
Julie Morgan:
Yes, fresh and new. It doesn't look the same as when he lived there. It's liberating, and it also gives you a sense of accomplishment.
Heather Quick:
Yes, all those things. If you're like me, it wore me out. I remember it, a day of painting, and of course I'm covered in it. I've soaking in a tub, and I'm like, "How am I ever going to get all this paint off my legs." That's why they wear coveralls, I guess, but also, painters are better and don't get so much paint on themselves, most likely. But all of those things and we're talking about reinventing yourself, new start. It's a new room. Even if it's just one little space. It's a sense of accomplishment, and all those things that you listed that I think are very healthy. It’s also a good way to spend that weekend if they're not there, and you're worried about being sad. Especially in the beginning. I do think, in the beginning, to be very purposeful about what you're going to do will be very helpful.
Julie Morgan:
When he comes over to pick up the kids, he'll see that the bathroom is yellow and he never liked yellow. And you're like, "Yep. I did it." No, I'm just saying. You shouldn't do that. Okay. Oh, boy. I'm not helping. Anyway.
Heather Quick:
Oh, you are, because that's natural. But you're making decisions now that you can make on your own, and you do not have to get consensus or agreement.
Julie Morgan:
That's what I was thinking. Another thing, you have this peace and quiet. You could go to the beach, sit down, read a book. But as a parent, you may feel guilty about doing that because you don't have the kids with you. But you should take that time.
Heather Quick:
That's right. I agree. Yes, you can have that guilt, but isn't that better than being sad? And you enjoyed yourself. So, I think it's a process. For every woman, it's going to be different. I think that's at least helpful, so that they know. In your approach, it's going to be different. It might be harder for you on some days, easier on others. The more, I think, secure in how you feel about your relationship with your children, I think the easier that's going to be. It's going to get easier as time goes on.
Julie Morgan:
But it doesn't feel like it at the beginning, that it's going to get easier.
Heather Quick:
Right. Just like exercising. You're like, "Are you kidding me?" You run a quarter mile, you're like, "It's not going to get any easier." But you work on it, and it does.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. You build your endurance.
Heather Quick:
Exactly.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. This is a good time to make new friends, as well.
Heather Quick:
Yes, you may be in new situations where you're not with couples as much, or maybe some of your friends previously, it's just different, and you want to have a different conversation than about the married life and married trips and husbands. You may want to make some new friends."
That is where, maybe, new activities will help, because you're going to different places. Places where you would interact with other people, like a fitness class, or you've maybe joined the Y, and so, where you can interact with other individuals, or a church, in a different group. That's a great way to meet other women and friends. There are a lot of places, but may have been so long ago because now it's, again, doing something different. Stepping out of your routine.
Julie Morgan:
Stepping out of your routine. You think about your friends, they're probably important to you. But then you also had those friends that you had as a couple. That's difficult.
Heather Quick:
That really can be. I think that's natural, and it may be different and it may not. There may be some friends who are really supporting you. Even when your friends support you, sometimes the men are still friends with the guys, women friends with the women, so it's going to be different, like I said. It may not be when they invite all their couple friends over, and you may feel different. I think every situation is going to be different. It's really probably going to depend on the level and depth of that friendship, as to how it will change or not change.
Julie Morgan:
I wonder if you ever get to a place where you can all get together again, possibly with your new significant other. That takes growth.
Heather Quick:
It does. And you never know.
Julie Morgan:
As a single mom, you try to be perfect. Because you're thinking, "Okay, I did all of this. I had these responsibilities before. I'm going to try to keep up everything, and it's going to be just right." You have to try to fight that sense that you have to be perfect in everything.
Heather Quick:
I would agree. I think that's an ideal that, if you're afraid to make mistakes or afraid to do something a little different, you're just imposing a lot of stress on yourself, but you're also not really growing. Because then you're not going to try anything new because you might mess up. I heard a speaker say that once. Perfection just means you're not doing anything new or different, or really trying to grow, because it's impossible to maintain a perfection all the time. Then, that way, it doesn't make it seem bad.
We strive to make the best decisions based on the information we have at that time, but sometimes you can let go a little and let the kids have pizza or fast food for dinner, if that's been one of the things. If they don't want to take a bath tonight, it's not going to be the end of the world. There are all those different kinds of things that, there is a lot of stability and a lot of comfort in a routine. I understand that.
However, sometimes it's nice to give yourself a break and be like, "Oh, let's just take a breath and you know what? It doesn't have to be this way all the time." That takes growth, and I think that also takes, Julie, it's just recognizing, realistically, there's a lot going on. This is what I can and can't do. That happened to me once I had my third child. I was like, "This is a whole different ball game." Party invites? That may be a few days before. Not the two weeks and the lovely invitation, of all that. Sometimes it's just like we're making do and giving yourself grace, giving others grace that it doesn't have to be perfect. Sometimes, when it's not perfect, it actually can be better.
Julie Morgan:
You have to remember, perfection doesn't really exist anyway. Not in this world.
Heather Quick:
Yeah, and that, I think, is true. We think it does, but it doesn't. On social media, you might think it does. You're looking at everything. It really doesn't, though. Julie, you're right.
Julie Morgan:
No. Anything else you want to add on this topic?
Heather Quick:
I think we've covered it pretty well.
Julie Morgan:
Sounds good. Well until next time.
Heather Quick:
Thank you so much.
Julie Morgan:
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