This week Heather Quick, owner and attorney at Florida Women’s Law Group talks about when is enough, enough? She talks about knowing when it’s time to leave, when you’re just not happy and why women wait so long.
"Women Winning Divorce" is a radio show and podcast hosted by Heather Quick, CEO and Owner of Florida Women's Law Group. Each week we focus on different aspects of family law to help guide women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges they are facing. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Join Heather each week as she discusses family law issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation and more. This program was created to provide tips and insight to women with family law issues. It is not intended to be legal advice because every situation is different. Visit us at https://www.womenwinningdivorce.com/ for more resources. Text us at 904-944-6800 for a copy of Heather's Top 5 Divorce Tips. If you have questions or a topic you would like Heather to cover, email us at marketing@4womenlaw.com
Women Winning Divorce
Episode 30
When is Enough, Enough?
Julie Morgan:
Welcome to Women Winning Divorce with your host, Heather Quick. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Each week, we provide knowledge and guidance on different aspects of family law to help lead women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges that they are facing. Listen in as she discusses issues, including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity narcissism, mediation, and other family law issues to provide insight on the journey of women winning divorce. Welcome to the show. I'm Julie Morgan, and I'm joined by your host, Heather Quick. Hi Heather, how are you?
Heather Quick:
I'm wonderful, Julie. How are you today?
Julie Morgan:
I'm doing very well. It's been a busy week already and we're recording this show just for everyone listening. We're recording this particular episode on a Tuesday and it's been a busy week for me already. What about you?
Heather Quick:
Well, you know it. We are getting full swing with school back and I feel like August in a lot of ways, well, because I've had kids. It seems like forever now, which I have. And it is always that okay, back to school. So your life just changes with kids in how you view the year and the calendar year. Everything revolves around them. I'm just telling you, they take over your life. And so August is, okay back to school, which we're all on one hand excited about, but then you're like, man, the summer went by so fast, but then it's exciting for them because they've all grown and they get to experience school one year older. So, yeah. So it's just a busy time. Because then you have a different busyness once they're back in school, got to get back to waking up early, going to bed early, making lunches, dinners, none of this out to the beach and pool till eight o'clock.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, all of that sounds fun.
Heather Quick:
It is. It absolutely is.
Julie Morgan:
I'm sure it is. Children are definitely a blessing. So let's talk about today's topic, when enough is enough. I think I told you this makes me think about that Jennifer Lopez movie, Enough. I don't know if you've seen that movie. Have you?
Heather Quick:
I haven't, but I remember she cuts her hair and she decides I am done with you and then becomes super fit and tough, and is ready. Okay. Well I might now have to go watch it.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, you got to watch that. So how do you know when it's time for it to end? How do you know that?
Heather Quick:
I know it is a difficult question. I think what happens is it's not one thing. Sometimes it is. Sometimes there's just one massive action, something that happens and then you make that decision. But I think it is over time. Its little things. It's not the one answer. Based on my experience, I have listened to so many women and there eventually is something and they've made the decision, maybe years prior that I'm not saying in this marriage, and they maybe negotiate with themselves, I'm going to wait until the kids start, maybe sometimes they start high school, they start college.
There's something that they have in their mind that they are going to wait until it happens. Other times they knew they were going to get divorced, not when. They just were like, I know this isn't going to last, and something might happen that really makes them make that decision forward. I think eventually you make that decision. You're like, enough, and just like you said, it is enough and we'll talk about it more as we go through. But I think there's lots of things that build up over time.
Julie Morgan:
So I was thinking maybe it's one thing and they're just like, you know what? Okay, I'm done. So it's not that.
Heather Quick:
I think sometimes it is, but that would be the exception rather than the rule. I think that in an example of that and is not for everybody, but there are some women and usually we've had a lot of shows about various types of abuse and manipulation. But some women, I think they say if they were to get hit, they're out. Again, those are some of the exceptions, but that's a big and they're like, no, I'm out. I'm done once that happens. But generally I think there are many multiple things that build up over time.
Julie Morgan:
So it's not an impulse decision. So about how long do you think that most women think about divorce?
Heather Quick:
If I were guessing, I used to think it was longer, but the research shows that most women have been thinking about it for four years and I thought it was more like 10 but four years is still a long time. I think, as we'll talk about it, they think about it for a long time. They might do some research or they may be listening to this radio show. That's why we have a lot of resources available because it's not something that you generally are going to wake up and say I am doing this today. If you do think of that, you're doing that today, you've been thinking about it for some time.
Julie Morgan:
But I look at this and well, I'm thinking about this and I'm saying, well, what if he's a good guy, he is a good dad. Should you just stay if you have those two factors going for you?
Heather Quick:
I would say, no. Listen, I mean, it's a personal decision. I think that most people, obviously when they get married, they have all the best intentions and they want to make it work. But sometimes we're just not compatible and you may want to go in a different direction and grow. You feel as though they're not on the same path with you, and I'm not being the best person I can be with you. Maybe I can be a better person away from you and I think that does make it harder. I've certainly talked to many women and sometimes they got married because they were pregnant and so they felt like they had to get married. I really don't disagree with that. I know a lot of people are like, oh, that's no reason to get married. I mean, that's a really good reason to get married.
So, I think that just comes with who we are. Sometimes you wake up probably, especially if you're married younger. On one hand, you wake up one day and you're like, oh my gosh, this was not the path I wanted to take, I want to do something different. And yeah, he's a great guy, which makes it harder because people don't understand, but that can be great that they're a good guy and a good dad. But you're supposed to be in a partnership with a marriage and have a friendship, and that caring and love for each other.When that's not there, it's lonely.
Julie Morgan:
Yes. Yes. Yeah. That's interesting. So tell me this. Have you found that women tend to set the bar low for what they find acceptable in a relationship? So basically they'll accept a lot before they leave.
Heather Quick:
I think so. Yes, I do. I think if you do the research, women are more likely to be pleasers. They might not want to rock the boat. Don't want to break up the family. Women, and it's the same way they go through the divorce. But then in the relationship they're thinking about everybody and how everybody will be affected. Or they say, but I like his parents. How are they going to be? Or I'm close with his family. There are a lot of things to think about. Of course, me being biased, I don't think men think about that at all. They're like, I'm done. They don't ever think about it and then they go jump into the exact same situation they were in before. You just repeated the pattern and why you think it's going to be different. It's not. But that is just my point of view. I think men, it's easier for them to, if there's something they don't like or whatever, they're out. But women consider more factors.
Julie Morgan:
I think it's interesting that one of the things that you said was I like his family. I like his parents. I figured that would probably be at the top of the list of the reasons to leave.
Heather Quick:
Well, and that's such an interesting dynamic and I know we've talked about it before, but there's not a whole lot of classes or information or anything. I'm like, how do who you should marry and all of that? And I think some of us intuitively we make a better match than others, but still, I mean, that does not work. I mean, both people have to be invested and willing to do that. I do think that family dynamic, just like you said, and I promise you we'll talk about it come holidays. Because man, after the holidays, some women they're like, I am done. That is the last Thanksgiving I am spending at that family's house. I've had it. So that definitely happens.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. So you're telling me, we're going to have a show about in-laws?
Heather Quick:
Oh, God, that could be touchy. We'll have to think about that. Maybe just a few comments, but it does. I know we talked about this before your family of origin, where you come from, it influences you so much. If you don't truly understand where your spouse came from and those dynamics, many times that part can be incompatible. Many times, it doesn't really show up until you have children together, and then suddenly, some things you just can't overcome. That's why I think also for women, they're listening to this, think about this. Because you're creating your children's family of origin. That's how they learn what a family is and how a husband and wife are supposed to act that's their training ground.
If you guys aren't affectionate and just don't really show love or compassion, or just even caring, consideration for the other person, respect, that's going to be what they're used to. That is a very good reason to really check what are you doing to them by remaining in a relationship. That should absolutely come into that whatever you're checking the boxes or when is enough, enough? I mean really take a hard look at that and if you're honest with yourself about what behavior you're modeling, that's a difficult realization for a lot of people and a lot of people aren't willing to do that.
Julie Morgan:
And that's the flip side of something else I was thinking about. When you're you think about enough is enough. Some people look at the viewpoint of others and how they're going to look if they decide to walk away.
Heather Quick:
Oh, I think that is way up there. I mean, that is probably the bigger fear is what are people going to think rather than all the other things we've talked about, reasons that they don't get divorced. And when you can really admit that, I think that's helpful, but yeah. You're all worried. Everybody thinks, what are they going to say? Are people going to all be talking about me? Which the reality is, everybody's too busy and not that many people care that much to talk about you and what you're doing, and they're not there to help you through it. But I think your worry about what others are going to say and think particularly family, in-laws, all that. Yeah. I think that is a major barrier for a lot of people that they might not even be aware of, but it's there. Because I think that's human nature is very much so.
Julie Morgan:
And I'm thinking definitely that's the case, but I'm thinking it'll pass in a certain period of time. So it's really actually not that big of a deal. People will then go on with their lives and think about, and talk about other things.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. Most of us, as much as I like you Julie, but if you got up and left and got divorced, I mean, I'm not thinking I'm going to be talking about it and calling up Betsy and Melissa. Do you believe that? Do you believe Julie did that? And then talk about it or think about it for more than a few minutes, unless I'm your attorney. Of course, then that's different, but as far as our social circle, I think we think maybe a little bit more about ourselves and really everybody out there is thinking really more about themselves than other people and not in a bad way, but it's like, no, they're not. I mean, of course there's some people who like to gossip or whatever, but I think overall we build that up and then that's a good excuse reason not to take action.
I think we all, as human beings are good at coming up with reasons not to do what maybe we know we ought to do, or that would be better for us or others. I think that is something that we all do. I think one of the things that I've heard that women have told us over the years, something happens where maybe they see something in their kids that opens their eyes to the effect this is having. I've had even women say, I heard something my child said about that and I was just like, no, I am not going to continue on this and model this behavior and all of those things.
Because women are pleasers, but they're more likely to act on behalf of someone they love more so than themselves. And I think that's true with a lot of us. Sometimes we are the worst critics to ourselves, and we would never think that way or talk that way to a friend or loved one or maybe even a stranger in the way we can second guess ourselves and be hard on ourselves. I think sometimes that enough is enough. If a woman can step a little bit outside herself, see the situation and the effect it has on others. That allows them to take that step forward as well.
Julie Morgan:
I think it's so interesting how this show touches on so much more than divorce. You're listening to women winning divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney for Florida Women's Law Group. When we return, we're going to talk about when you're just not happy. Stay with us. Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law group. Heather, when you're just not happy... You know what? Do you sometimes not know that you're not happy? Does that make sense?
Heather Quick:
I think so, and I think maybe it's happiness, being happy can be a fleeting emotion at times, but you're just not feeling fulfilled either. I think it's more than that, because we may have ups and downs, but sometimes when you're in it, it might be harder to see. That's when maybe sometimes your loved ones, your friends, they can see it a little bit clearer because they have more of an objective view, but I think so. I think that if you've ever met somebody, maybe you hadn't seen them in a few years or you knew them before they were married or early in their marriage and then you see them later and your like wow, you're not the same person and not in a good way.
Obviously, we want to be with people who make us better and in the ideal world, a great marriage, you both really bring out the best in each other and complement each other. That’s the same with all relationships and friendships and things like that. I mean, that's what I think we all strive for, but there are some that just don't and I think you might not be the same person that you were when you got married. That's okay in a lot of ways, because we were supposed to grow as humans, and we're supposed to get better. I would think if you were growing, you're going to want to watch different TV shows than you did when you were 25, you're going to want to talk about different things. Then you did when you were 25.
Julie Morgan:
And the reason why-
Heather Quick:
And if the other person hasn't, then that can be awkward.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And the reason why I ask that question is because I've spoken, I've interviewed lots of different doctors of different specialties. And psychiatrists will say that some people that are depressed, they don't even know it.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. And I think because they're getting used to that norm and they do need to talk to somebody, to ask them some questions to maybe bring that out. So I do. I think that you don't and part of you does inside, but we've talked about that before. I mean, denial is a wonderful thing and your body uses it to cope, your brain, you do that to cope. But eventually, hopefully you can have some clarity on your situation.
Julie Morgan:
And so if someone does realize that they're just not happy, there are a lot of reasons that could be. And you mentioned some of them earlier, their interests may have changed.
Heather Quick:
If they're both working or whatever, but you're just, you don't to do the same things anymore. Sometimes the longer you're married and if you don't make efforts to do things together, I don't think you need to be together 24-7. Everybody should have their own things and own time. But if there's not anything, I mean, if you guys don't even to go to the same restaurants, some people are like, he doesn't ever want to go out to eat anywhere. Or he doesn't like the movies. Probably that's a kind of depression. If you don't ever want to go engage in anything or walk or exercise. Health is a big thing too. I think that if you're with a spouse and you're in a relationship and you really enjoy getting out there and moving and exercising and just doing activities and your spouse doesn't and won't take care of themselves.
Then you're like, that could be a really big reason to think, you're just not even trying. You won't even go on a walk and there's no more common ground anymore. And it doesn't happen overnight. It happens over time. We have jobs, we have households, maybe children and you have a lot of things that can take up a lot of time. But then I think eventually one day you wake up and you're like, wow, we don't do anything together and maybe we don't want to. I think there comes a point where you're like, and I don't want to, even if he said yes, I don't want to do it with him. He's no fun. He complains the whole time. We can't go do anything. And I think that is part of it. There's new hobbies or just anything that starts changing, but you guys aren't doing it. You're not changing and evolving together.
Julie Morgan:
Something that you said that made me think about this. You said health and how health and wellness is really important. And that means that if you are paying attention to that, we're living longer. Right? And so what if you don't see yourself with that person in the future?
Heather Quick:
Right, and that can be. You might just say, gosh, and a lot of times too, if you think about how we behave as human beings and when change is not easy for anyone, a lot of people resist change. But that's the one thing we know for sure is things change. They always change, but can either embrace that or not, but also with change and as we all go through life, we experience things that maybe then help us understand our own mortality. Like the death of loved ones, of parents. I think a lot of people certainly through COVID, there's a lot of that. And that is just where it shakes you because you see people, something crazy happened. And you're just like, I don't know, you didn't expect it.
But now it's your part of your reality? Life is short, which it is every day, but not everybody, it's not in your face is often. Then you start to then say, wow, okay, is this how I'm going to spend it? If now we both want to have this, I don't want to work all the time. I want to do what do they call it? Van life, and buy a camper and let's go work on the road. And you might be like, oh, no thank you. I'm not doing that. I mean, if my husband told me that I'd be like, have a nice time. Call me when you get to the Ritz and you spend the weekend with you, but I'm not living in a van. But can see how that could happen. I mean you know that Julie, you're live, but you do not see me living in a van or camping.
Julie Morgan:
Not at all. Glamping.
Heather Quick:
And he knows that. I'm like, you can go on. Go get yourself a trailer in the woods. That's fine, but I'm not going. But I think that's where, and that happens. That's happened all through history. When something major happens in the world, it really brings it back to your awareness, because otherwise we're just going through the motions every day and we're just living and we're just doing what we do. And then something happens if you look in the past with wars and all the unrest that's going on now, I would hope it helps everybody have an awakening and be like, yeah, this is what's going on. Maybe I need to make some better decisions or assess what the heck am I doing here on this planet if this is all there is. I think that is part of life.
We've just been living through an example of that. That really is why I think we've seen so much change in the way people treat work or when they're with their families or vacations or working remotely, living in different places. They've really, I think, assessed their life, and said, I don't think I want to do it that way anymore.Now you're not on the same path, that I see a lot, just a major life event. It shakes you up and it wakes you up. Many women after the death of a parent, it is just no, I'm not doing this anymore.
Julie Morgan:
So that's interesting. That goes hand in hand. That's two different things. So that is possibly, they were concerned about their parents' viewpoint if they were to get a divorce.
Heather Quick:
True.
Julie Morgan:
And then that life event, that made them make this major decision.
Heather Quick:
It's true. I've heard on multiple occasions over the 20 plus years, clients say my mom always told me she wanted better for me, and she thought I should divorce him. She just died and I'm not staying anymore. Now I can go get my freedom or whatever. Now I am listening to her even though she's not here, things like that. That is a good example of some real self-reflection and what we've been talking about. So you've known that for years, but then something does happen to make you reassess and take action, because I think that's when we say, when's enough, enough?
What is it that's going to help you take action to really show up as your best self in this world and your life, because we've only got a short amount of time and you only have a short amount of time that you have kids at home under your watch before they become adults. What are you going to do with that time? Are you going to just show them an example of a loveless marriage and then that's what they're going to probably end up doing. Or are you going to maybe make some harder decisions for a bigger payoff later?
Julie Morgan:
And I thought about it. It's by staying, it's not fair to yourself or your spouse.
Heather Quick:
That is a great point, Julie, because it's not. I mean really, they may be in denial themselves, but it works both ways. You guys are both in it. You know when it's not going great and somebody has to do something to either say let's try to get this back on track or it's too late. I'm not even interested in doing that anymore.
Julie Morgan:
What's a good question to ask yourself. If you were thinking about this, what would be a good question that you could ask yourself if you met your spouse today?
Heather Quick:
Well, I think a good one is would you want to even go out on a date with him? Is he somebody you want to go to dinner with and have a conversation with?
Julie Morgan:
That's real.
Heather Quick:
It is. It's cold, but because again, I mean, it's so much about companionship, relationship. We've talked about it on previous shows that there's some differences that can't be overcome and some points of view, worldview, their upbringing, and different beliefs. You just can't have a conversation. Everything's just an argument or fight. I know it's been a while and we don't talk politics on here at all, nor would I, but boy, there have been some where they are like, yeah, we can't talk about it. And one spouse has adopted a view that is out there in the world, very polarizing and the other one is like, I'm complete opposite. That can really just like we talked about with the world. It's so extreme. I think it's always been extreme. It's just all in our face all the time now. But I think it really... It's like, would you even go out with this person who is talking that or dressing that? Good Lord. That's one thing. I mean, seriously, everybody should keep up their appearance and work on it. And I think that that's something to ask yourself. Would I? And maybe you should ask yourself, would he even want to go out with me?
Julie Morgan:
Okay. I was just thinking that. I was just thinking that, because a lot of this is also about self-examination. So ask yourself that about yourself.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. How are you showing up? Are you a complete shrew and just nag, nag, nag and hate him because you're staying there. If you're treating somebody like that, that means you need to leave because you should not treat anybody like that. I mean, sometimes it's hard not to. I mean, it's like, how many times are you going to track dirt in the house? Really? Could you take shoes off before? Nope. Nope. Nope. Really can't. Thank God for those Roomba's and all that stuff and just go press the button. But I think that this is a great point. Check yourself. How do you show up? Would he ask you out on a date if this is the way you act all the time? And then maybe that can help you to be like, wow, maybe I go work on myself and see if I show up different and see if it's any better. It may or may not be, but that's never a bad thing because it will probably help you and maybe get more clarity and a little bit of objectivity as to what's going on in your situation.
Julie Morgan:
That's interesting because that could help you before you make this major, major life decision. Yeah.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely, so many women, they want to check all the boxes and they do. They want to know, when do I do it. You already know you want to do it and it's the right thing. It is just taking the action in moving forward. That requires therapy, again, I always say, and we talk about it a lot, will really help you understand and maybe have a little more peace with yourself as you go through this process.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. When we return, we're going to talk about why women wait so long. Stay with us. Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Heather, why do women wait so long?
Heather Quick:
Oh, well, I think they just don't want to give up hope. I mean, you enter a marriage with, I truly believe with all the best intentions and you're doing the best you can. We always think, well, maybe it can be different. Maybe if I go to therapy, maybe we'd have couples therapy. I think also building it up that divorce is so much worse than staying in the relationship, but it may not be. It may be really the best thing for both of you, but it's not something that anybody wants to do when they get married. I think it comes with a lot of thought. It's not because people try to make it work. They've committed to this person.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. But some people will say, and I think back just to an earlier show that we did about, well, what was the show about? I can't even think of the name. Call me crazy. So what is the agreement that you sign?
Heather Quick:
Prenup.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Okay. So when I think back to that show, you guys can listen to that show. If you go to our website, womenwinningdivorce.com. So when I think back to that show, some people will say, well, I mean, you got a prenup, so you entered into the marriage thinking that, oh, it could end, but that's not true.
Heather Quick:
No, and we talked about that. I don't think that's true. I think that you're entering into a contract for marriage, why don't you to do some due diligence and talk about, well, if it doesn't work, how would we handle that? Or how do we want to handle things throughout our marriage? Actually, talking about those? If we have kids, what are your thoughts on a parent should be at home? Who should that be? Me or you? Do you guys even see eye-to-eye on that, in that we're talking through those things, but that's what most people don't do, myself included. Do you think I thought of that over 20 years ago? We didn't talk about that. Well, is somebody going to stay home? And he's like, no, man, you just graduated law school. You're working. I was like, I didn't really think that much about it at all until you then, because you figure it all just work out.
I think being a divorce attorney helps me put things in perspective a lot and you hear a lot of things and you're like, yeah, okay, I probably do that. Maybe I could do better. So I've learned a lot. I think, to make, at least to give me a better awareness and understanding of things that can cause a marriage to really dissolve and tear people apart, you know how important it is to make it work. It doesn't just happen. Sometimes, like I was saying earlier in that last segment, if you work on yourself or show up different, you got to do that for yourself. And it may impact the relationship, but it takes two to make it work. And it takes two to break it and sometimes you're the only one. If your partner seriously won't engage in therapy and won't help you. And won't have those conversations with you that are uncomfortable that nobody wants to talk about things like that or some people do to fight.
I don't know, but either way, if you can't engage and if you're not able to even ask him to engage in that, then obviously there's a disconnect. The communication, which I know we've talked about on multiple occasions and shows. At the end of the day, this style of communication's a big thing. That whole love language thing. It's a big deal. It's important to know that we did read that maybe before we got married or listened to it. But gave us clarity on understanding our own selves like we talked about. The more you understand about yourself, the more you can communicate that to another person.
Julie Morgan:
So when we ask the question, why women wait so long, it could possibly be that they're hoping that some of these things that they've gone through in the marriage, they're hoping that it's going to change.
Heather Quick:
Oh, I think so. That's again a denial because what they say, the definition of insanity is you keep doing the same thing, but our thinking is you should get a different result. If you don't do anything different, it's not going to change. I think if you do think it's all you, if your husband and you don't get along and you think, well, if I'm thinner, if I do this, if I cook, if I get plastic surgery or whatever, then he's going to be more attentive. But probably not if you guys can't talk about what it is, that's causing that.
So again, I think women tend to look for a lot of other things to change or to help the marriage, but not able to communicate and work together with their spouse. So they spend all these years running around trying to, if I do this, this'll be better. If the kids are ready for bed and dinner's ready when he gets home, it'll be better. He won't be so grouchy. If I just make sure he plays golf every weekend and doesn't spend any time with us and I don't complain, then it'll be better. There's all kind of things that you've created in your head. But yet, unless you have a conversation, you guys can't be on the same page.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. That's what I was just about to say. So instead of talking about it, to make sure that, hey, is this it? Or just being on the same page, coming to a consensus, you try to do everything yourself, but that's really not the right way.
Heather Quick:
It's not, you can only do so much. There are things you can do probably, to make the relationship better. But if the other person's not doing as much or anything, you're going to resent it anyway. A lot of times they'll be the fight. Well, I'm working and now you're mad at me for not being here. I mean, nobody expected the dad to be around and except at dinner time and church on Sunday or whatever, it just was an expectation. But the way we've grown up and I certainly know the way my kids have grown up. It's like, no, you're not babysitting them. You're their parent, get involved. And yeah, I remember one time my kids are like, is dad babysitting? I'm like, no, he's not babysitting. He's your dad. He is going to make your dinner, make your lunches. And as we evolved in that way because I was like, I can't do this running this business. I remember one time it was the morning. The mornings were just such, it was just a lot because he gets up and goes to work easy and makes coffee or whatever. But sometimes you make breakfast, but it's like, they've got lunches. Then two girls, oh my gosh, get their outfits together and dress them. My son is a piece of cake. I'd put him in the car in his pajamas with a waffle and a sippy cup. And I'm like, I'll dress you at preschool.
But I was like, that's the hardest part of my day was before 8:30 in the morning. I'm like, and here I had to go do all hair and makeup and get ready to be a lawyer. I'm like, I'm breaking out in a sweat just trying to get these kids out of the house. I was able to say, I need help. Listen, we have to come up with how we do this, because I can't. And we did, we worked it out. But only through talking. If not, I was really resentful and angry and hey, I mean, I'm good for that for sure.
But it sometimes comes out of that. Then sometimes it's just guys have roles in a marriage, but maybe you want to change that, but you have to talk it through. Some men can be like, well, wait, I'm working so hard, how do you ask more of me? But we want more. And our kids want more. That's just really the society we're in. I mean, we have graduations at every grade and the kids have all these events and some days you're like, really? I don't think my mother ever stepped foot in my school. And then we think bad about ourselves. I've been guilty of that. I'm like, I'm the only one that both parents aren't there, so then I feel like a loser, that I have a loser husband who's not showing up for the third grade play in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day. I was like, but come on, help me out a little, but it's this expectation.
It's hard and unrealistic when you are trying to have these expectations of everything else going on around you and you have to be like, this isn't realistic because we're not in comparison. It's just a no win game. You're never going to win. I think, I've certainly been guilty of it. Just that example I said is, don't make me be the only parent showing up as a single mom. I'm not a single mom. You interrupt your day. And he did a few times, when he could, not everybody can. Some days it's like, I can't do that or I can't do it. And then I'm like, where have I have grandparents. Go on these field trips? I mean, thank goodness. Those days are over.
That was a lot of stress that you put on yourself. I think that sometimes, if you can recognize, all right, I haven't said anything for five years and now I'm really angry and I'm really over it. Well, you just might be over it, but it might be too late because you have not communicated or been able to communicate or he just hadn't listened. Too much time has passed, and you've reconciled it all in your head and you're done. You're just done. That's the way it goes sometimes because we're all humans and you can't control how someone else is going to behave.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, you just said so much, so much, but I think the gist of it was in order to get to the point where you understand each other, you have to communicate or you understand what that other person wants. You have to communicate. Yeah. Got to communicate.
Heather Quick:
Sometimes you communicate and you just might not get there. And that's okay. I mean, you have to forgive yourself a little. Don't be so hard on yourself because you want a divorce. You don't have to explain yourself to anybody. I think that at the end of the day, if you can just be honest with yourself and then be honest with your partner. Just it's time to end it.
Julie Morgan:
Last thing we're going to talk about is would you say that this is one of the most difficult things to do in life?
Heather Quick:
Well, it's certainly challenging, but I think there are way more difficult things to do, but this it's going to be a challenge because if you just build it up to be the most difficult thing in your life that you're ever going to do, you're not going to do it and you're just going to stay miserable. I'm not going to agree or say that. I think that it's probably more difficult to just stay there and you live your life in this unfulfilling place. That would be way more difficult. So, I think a divorce is challenging, and it's going to be a life event. Depending on your circumstances, age, and all those other things, might be more difficult than not.
It might be easier for some people than others, but it's really, I think evaluating is this how I'm going to spend the rest of my life or the next chapter in my life or not. I've known many women and they are like, now I must stay. And then I'm like, all right, well, here you are 10 years later. Are you wishing you did it before? Yeah. Nobody ever says, oh, I'm so glad I waited. No one has ever said that to me. I'm so glad I waited an additional five years. I came and saw you five years ago and then I just couldn't do it. And now I'm here and I'm glad I waited. No one has ever said that to me.
Julie Morgan:
That's a whole other show. All right. Heather, anything else you want to add on this topic?
Heather Quick:
Well, as always, Julie, thank you so much. And for everyone listening, I just want you to know our lawyers, our team, they're here for you. And if you or someone is debating this and needing advice and a team to support them through this, please reach out to us at Florida Women's Law Group.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, it's always a pleasure.
Heather Quick:
Thank you, Julie.
Julie Morgan:
Thank you for listening to Women Winning Divorce. We hope you found information to help you navigate your divorce. If you our show, please take the time to subscribe and provide a five star review. If you need more information, please visit our website at womenwinningdivorce.com, where you will find previous episodes and other helpful content. Join us next week as we continue our journey of Women Winning Divorce.