Today, Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women’s Law Group, discusses holidays after divorce. She covers feelings and first holiday after divorce and how to get through it.
"Women Winning Divorce" is a radio show and podcast hosted by Heather Quick, CEO and Owner of Florida Women's Law Group. Each week we focus on different aspects of family law to help guide women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges they are facing. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Join Heather each week as she discusses family law issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation and more. This program was created to provide tips and insight to women with family law issues. It is not intended to be legal advice because every situation is different. Visit us at https://www.womenwinningdivorce.com/ for more resources. Text us at 904-944-6800 for a copy of Heather's Top 5 Divorce Tips. If you have questions or a topic you would like Heather to cover, email us at marketing@4womenlaw.com
Women Winning Divorce
Episode 43
The Holidays After Divorce
Julie Morgan:
Welcome to Women Winning Divorce with your host, Heather Quick. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Each week we provide knowledge and guidance on different aspects of family law to help lead women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges that they are facing. Listen in as she discusses issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation, and other family law issues to provide insight on the journey of women winning divorce. Welcome to the show. I'm Julie Morgan and I'm joined by your host, Heather Quick.
Hi Heather. How are you?
Heather Quick:
I am great Julie. How are you?
Julie Morgan:
I'm doing very well. I'm just glad that it's a little bit cool outside at the time that we're actually recording this, but it's also a little bit rainy so I'm not sure about that one.
Heather Quick:
It's a weird, I feel like this time of year we'll get a burst of a little taste of some coolness and it's always lovely and people are like, "Open your window." I don't usually open my windows, but open the windows, you don't need the AC. And then, this is my theory because I cook a lot at Thanksgiving, then on the day you cook, you better turn on that AC because then we got 80 degrees and sunny, which I don't ever complain about that, I like it, but it's a teaser. The cold little spells are a teaser, like, "Ooh, we're going to have a cold Thanksgiving holiday where we can actually maybe put a fire up or something." But usually not.
Julie Morgan:
Nope, that doesn't happen. And then like you said, it's 85 again and you're in shorts and a T-shirt.
Heather Quick:
It's true. Which doesn't bother me at all, frankly, I got to tell you, I'm Floridian through and through. If I want to get cold, I'll go out west or up north, so I'm good with that.
Julie Morgan:
Exactly, exactly. I'm with you on that one. So today we're talking about the holidays after divorce. We already talked about, on this show, how to maneuver the holidays if you're in an unhappy marriage. But what if this is the first one after divorcing? This is a big step, don't you think?
Heather Quick:
Yes. I think no matter what your situation is, whether you still have young children, adult children, or even no children, it's different this year from whatever you did. Hopefully you can recognize and appreciate what is good about it, right? Because that's why you were divorced and it just wasn't working. But I think that we're going to go through a lot of those feelings and ways to get through it, but recognize that. Otherwise it'll catch you off guard, which as we've talked about, busy holiday season and you're checking everything off your list, and then there may be this huge letdown when you're like, "Oh wait, this is different." So at least recognize and anticipate, this is going to be a little different this year.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Because you just have to think about all of the emotions that you're feeling around this time.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. Because holidays bring up so many memories for people. Most of us tie things in the past and usually good, hopefully some things not so good, but with the holidays, times of year, and so things are maybe different and it could be, one thing that can be a huge adjustment for individuals after a divorce is the perceived loss of that extended family that was your husband's. Because many times those are very close relationships and those are people that you don't want to lose, but especially this first holiday, people might not be sure how to act. So it might be different. They might stay back a little bit more and not invite you because your husband's coming because everybody's trying to still figure this out. They don't know how to really treat it either, for many people. Some are fine, they're like, "Come on, we still want you there." And maybe that will be a good thing.
Julie Morgan:
You know what? I just thought about this, even if it's family members on your husband's side that you may not have really appreciated very much, but it's someone that you were used to being around so you still miss that in a way.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. Yeah, I do think so. Again, it's going to be different and even the crazy Aunt Betsy won't be there so you're going to miss that of course, but it's probably going to be different and just at least knowing it's going to be different and then we'll talk about different things to deal with it because there's not a right or wrong way. You feel how you feel and all you can do is control your emotions and your reactions. You can't control everybody else. There may be a lot of other extended family friends that you did certain things with at the holidays that aren't going to be the same. They might have their own emotions so you got to let that be. People, you can't control how they're going to react at that time.
Julie Morgan:
I was thinking about that because some people may say, well this is the way I'm supposed to feel because this happened. But there is no right or wrong way.
Heather Quick:
That is correct. I think when we've talked at times about holidays, and I know we did getting through the holidays, not drinking too much, not leaving crazy voicemails, that applies here as well because there's been a loss. That is a loss, you are okay to mourn that, but maybe that's not appropriate for the whole family because you might regret how that may come out. So correct, I think as you go through that, have support system. I'm not saying just sit there and be alone, but I don't think that's healthy for anybody if you show up at Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas Eve services really angry or uncontrollably sad.
Julie Morgan:
Exactly. And you mentioned reaching out to someone. Who do you think that you can talk to about things like this?
Heather Quick:
Well, obviously hopefully you've got a good friend or support system that maybe is a little bit more objective. Sometimes family, bless their hearts, they mean well but they don't always say things that are very helpful and everybody knows, they know who they want to have a conversation with or who not, who's going to give them a little more support. Certainly, always with therapy, I would book those appointments, make sure they're booked before the holidays so that really they can help you work through strategies. Because if you've been working with someone, you say, "I know this situation's going to come up. I don't really know how I'm going to deal with that," a therapist is a wonderful person to help you with that strategy.
Julie Morgan:
A strategy. I didn't think about that one. Yeah, it's good to have a plan.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. I mean when we talk about feelings and the expectations. I remember my mom always had a strategy because we were young when she and my father divorced. So then, we were going to be gone the day after Christmas or the day of, I think whenever it was. But she would keep herself really busy and she'd have plans, times she worked or in school, she'd keep herself really busy so that she wasn't sad. That's what she would tell us. She would just stay really busy with work or I don't think, I'm not going to even say clean, that wouldn't be fair, she wasn't sitting there doing any spring cleaning or Christmas cleaning, I know that. But she would work and she'd stay busy or she'd be with my grandparents and the family, just keeping herself so that she had stuff to do and to not dwell on that.
I do think that's really important. That's a strategy; knowing what you're going to do and really plan for some activities. That book you've been wanting to read or the movies you've been wanting to watch on Netflix that you can't watch with the kids.That should make you feel good, give yourself some self-care and attention and do those kinds of things.
Julie Morgan:
You know what? That makes so much sense as far as staying busy because when you think about the loss of a loved one and you mentioned how this is a loss, someone who has lost a loved one probably tries to stay busy for a certain period of time in order for them not to think about that particular loss. So that same thought process in this really takes effect.
Heather Quick:
Yeah, I think so. Again, everybody's different. We all have our own stuff, but we can come up with something and it just will depend. There's a lot going on always at the holidays, so find some stuff that look like fun and entertain yourself.
Julie Morgan:
I think about the media and how all those shows, they show picture perfect families enjoying an ideal holiday. That's tough for someone just going through a divorce.
Heather Quick:
Oh, absolutely. Because now, and let's be clear, they're watching that or the romcoms and all that. Why don't you watch the funny, silly stuff where they're all fighting or whatever? I know there's some silly shows like that around the holidays. So do that or I mean I know Elf, it's a happy ending, but that makes me laugh so hard. I mean that movie, I know it's like 20 years old and I can watch it. I've seen it hundreds of times. I could sit here and watch it today multiple times in a row and laugh out loud.
And you know what? I think that's good therapy as well. Or watch Die Hard. That's that Christmas-time action thriller. That's not that sad, just stuff to keep you up because you can control it. You know that we talked for so long, Julie, you know I believe that. And you are, we are in control of our emotions. And you know what? If you want to be sad, okay, go watch a tear jerker movie, Terms of Endearment or something if you really want to get dehydrated from crying, but if you want to laugh, watch something funny, something that's just funny for you and that is a very healthy way to approach it.
Julie Morgan:
Another movie, Four Christmases.
Heather Quick:
That's the one that's funny because that's like that Jon Favreau and the tall guy, Vince Vaughn. Yeah, that's hilarious. That one's funny and silly, just plain silly.
Julie Morgan:
Exactly, exactly. So if you want to laugh or you need to laugh, there are movies out there that you can watch that don't make you feel sad.
Heather Quick:
Right, and it doesn't have to be a Christmas movie either, it can just be any silly movie. But take control of your emotions and your experience. You could actually make this the best holiday ever, because go book a spa appointment, get your hair done, get your nails done, look at you tossing your hair, all those long locks you're swinging around, Julie. But yeah, do that. Pamper yourself. Go for a walk on the beach. I'm a beach person. I like to go for a walk or just do things that bring you pleasure because it's different for everybody and it can really change your experience because you know what? You made the decision that these are the things I want to do while I'm going through this and that will keep me busy and I'll be happy I got them done.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, I thought about that. So if the kids are possibly with their father, you could book a spa experience and be there for a week.
Heather Quick:
You absolutely could. Yeah, no, you're getting excited now. I see you're Googling, where can I go? I don't even have kids to get rid of, but I'm going anyway.
Julie Morgan:
That's exactly what I'm thinking. I was just looking at a trip to wine country. I'm like, "Oh, wait a minute. That could come early." So yeah.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. I think that is where, again, you can control this experience. I'm not saying stuffing your emotions, but maybe you're not ready and why sit there and cry the whole time? Make it great, enjoy yourself during this time that is going to be different. So just make it a different experience for yourself.
Julie Morgan:
I also like how you think about it, set realistic expectations of how things are going to be. You have to do that for yourself. And that's part of that strategy as well.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. And that's recognizing that, all right, I might be sad, I am not getting invited to his family's big party. Okay. You can sit home, be sad about it, or go do something else, find something else to do that makes you happy, whatever that may be, and keeps you busy. Do a puzzle, I don't know, play some music and do a puzzle. I like puzzles kind of because I don't have an area in my house that it could just sit, that would drive me crazy, just an open table that no one else would need to use. But my mother-in-law likes puzzles, so she's got that card table puzzle and if you really get into it, you can check out from a lot of other stuff and that's helpful.
Just like, I'm painting, okay, I'm a terrible painter, and I mean painting the walls. All right? Now, this is something that I have retired from, but back in my early days I would paint and like I said, I think there'd be paint on the ceiling, whatever, but boy, you can kind of escape. And even painting the pottery, that used to be a big thing. I used to do those kinds of things when I was in law school in between exams because I just needed to clear my mind. And so I would sit there and paint pottery and then those would be my Christmas gifts. It really, I mean I did some intricate stuff that allowed me to escape and it was great. It was great fun. So there's so many different things out there, just find something to where you can almost, you're just worried about where you're painting, filling in the lines or the puzzle piece so you're not just diving into these emotions all the time.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. For me it's Legos, believe it or not. I like to put together Legos. Sounds crazy.
Heather Quick:
Well, do you have a whole Lego wall? Do you have a lot that you have done?
Julie Morgan:
I do. Most recently the typewriter.
Heather Quick:
That's what you have to have because then it's like, oh I did it and I would do these with my son, thank goodness there's instructions, and then he would argue with me, I was like, "No, you skipped a spot," and whatever. But all right, now we've done all these Legos, where are we putting them? Then they ended up just, I was over it. My daughter though, the oldest, she has the White House one, you know the adult Legos? The very, very famous, the nano Legos or whatever, she'd geek out on that because it does, it takes so much precision it's really great. But you got to have cases and shelves to display all of your work.
Julie Morgan:
Yes.
Heather Quick:
That's a perfect example though, Julie, that's a perfect example.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. We're going to take a quick break here and when we return, we're going to talk more about how to get through it. Stay with us.
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Today we're talking about the holidays after divorce and right now we're going to talk about how to get through it. One way is to focus on the little ones that you made together, right?
Heather Quick:
Exactly. Most parenting plans determine who's going to have the children during the holiday. Most of them we exchange on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, kind of just depends on what's going on and what you guys agreed to. So yeah, focus on their experience with you. If you've had traditions and things you've always done with your children, you can still do those, you just might have to condense them and do them maybe in a different order. I don't think that the children are going to mind as much. It's just they want to spend the time with you and of course they want their presents and they all say, "Oh, now I get two Christmases."
You know what? That is the beauty of children if you think about it, they're finding the positive. So enjoy that with them because they just automatically go there, that I get two Christmases, great. Nobody wants two Thanksgivings, nobody wants to eat that much turkey in a day, but everybody wants two Christmases and more presents and stuff. So I think enjoying that, embracing that, and encouraging that they're happy about that, if they are, and that's a good thing.
Julie Morgan:
And talk to them also about how they're feeling because I mean those emotions are there for you and so they have to be there for them as well. Maybe not as strong, well depending on the child.
Heather Quick:
I think so. That's where, yes, allowing them to articulate that. If they are saying, "I'm sad, I miss daddy," that's okay. Again, their emotions aren't right or wrong either. Being a space for them just to talk to you will always be the right move for you and your relationship with your children. Because then they will talk to you about those feelings and they won't be worried that you're going to run and tell him or whatever. They'll feel safe to share that with you.
If they don't want to go, and if you're really sad, your kids aren't going to want to leave and you need to encourage them to enjoy that experience with both parents. I think that's really important and that's hard, I know, however it's important, it's one of the hardest things. You know when your parents are sad, but you just say, "You guys are going to have a great time," and that's why you can tell the kids, and I'm going to do this and I'm going to a new exercise class, I got a lot going on." So then they know you're okay, they feel better. They're like, "Oh, moms got a lot to do." That's important because that's a lot of a burden for children to feel and they're going to feel it naturally. So the more you can ease their concern about you, the better.
Julie Morgan:
That's one good reason to make that strategy, to create that plan. You may not want to do it for yourself, you may not have that feeling that that's what you want to do, but for them you probably want to do it.
Heather Quick:
Yeah, and like we just said, your kids are all different. I mean if we go, which doesn't happen that often, where we leave my husband at home, which he's thankful for every now and then he gets one night a year or something, of course then we leave the dogs with him so he's like, "That really wasn't helpful." But my oldest is always like, "Well I'm just so worried about dad, what's he going to do?" I was like, "He's probably going to enjoy the quiet and he's going to be fine."
But she does, she's like, "Well what's he going to eat?" As if he can't take care of himself and this doesn't, like I say, happen very often, but it's really cute. So kids just naturally like, "Well, what are you going to do?" Because they think well if we're not here, how are you going to be okay? I think that's important to say, "Well this is what I'm going to do this while you're not here." That way then they can check that off their list. "Oh, they're busy, I don't have to worry about them now I can just focus on my time."
Julie Morgan:
What about making new traditions? So you had all the old traditions, the things you would do as a family with mom, dad, and kids. But what about making new traditions?
Heather Quick:
I think that's great. Again, if you make it exciting and fun and let's try this, why not? It's all about how you approach it for sure. So that's what I think is the most important.
Julie Morgan:
But before you get to any of this, you probably need to plan this out with your ex, right?
Heather Quick:
Yes, and that's because you have a plan. You have something in writing that says how the children, who they're going to spend time with during the holidays. So yes, you need to verify, are we still good with this? Are you planning to go out of town? Or if you are planning to, say, "during my time we're going to go visit family, do X, Y, Z." That will be better, then you know what they're going to be planning for. Particularly if the children, help them pack or whatever they're going to go do, and certainly communicate to the best you can. Every situation is different, it used to be the presents, sometimes that's helpful too because the kids have a list, it's like, "Well, what are you getting them? Because we don't want to both be buying them a phone or something else."
Julie Morgan:
Okay, well so you shouldn't really assume that what you put in the parenting plan is understood by both?
Heather Quick:
Yeah, I would just read it again because you might not either remember what it says. Most of the time the events leading up to the holiday break, kids have a lot of stuff at school. Now ideally, your husband, your ex-husband reads the emails that the schools send out because they send a lot and they let you know. And you know what? That's on him if he doesn't, but if it's important to the kids or whatever, you can help if you want. I don't advocate for that, you're not married anymore, he needs to read his emails and know what's going on. But the kids may want him at something and so then you might want to help that out and be like, "Hey, they have their program today or they're playing a part in whatever." All of those things can be very important. So yes, that's where communication is helpful. You still may be the only one making the cookies and doing the costumes and all that and that's okay, but that might be a time to say, "Hey, you ought to read the school emails. There's a lot going on this month."
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. So you don't have all of the burden, but it's possible that you just may anyway.
Heather Quick:
Yes. Unless you really delegate and say, "You know what? I need you, as their father, to go do this with them." They may or may not, but everybody's different and it can be very helpful sometimes if you ask what you need or that's what you think the kids need, to say that and that's okay. Absolutely.
Julie Morgan:
Now we talked about making a plan for yourself, having a strategy, doing things without the kids, possibly that week away at the spa, that type of thing. But there may have also been possibly events that in the past you said no to going, "I'm not going to do that because I can't come with my entire family." But now you could probably say yes.
Heather Quick:
Exactly, right. There may be that neighborhood party maybe you didn't want to go to before or you didn't want to have to drag the kids or a myriad of things, just like you said, go. There's usually a lot going on, the office party if there's work stuff, absolutely give yourself permission to go do some stuff.
Julie Morgan:
I like the way you said that. Permission. Give yourself permission to do so because that's really where it starts with the permission and then comes the strategy and everything else.
Heather Quick:
Exactly.
Julie Morgan:
So another thing is to try to avoid conflict, right?
Heather Quick:
Yes.
Julie Morgan:
But isn't that difficult for some couples or former couples?
Heather Quick:
Well, I know. Yeah, that's hard, right?
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. Maybe think about the questions and the conversations that may come up and maybe think about how you're going to answer it. Right?
Julie Morgan:
That's a strategy. I didn't think about making that part of your strategy.
Heather Quick:
Not everybody's going to know, so be prepared. "Oh, where's So-and-so?" You don't have to give, "He can't make it." Just move on. You don't have to be like, "Oh, let me tell you." I think that nobody really wants to hear all that. People ask the nice questions because that's how they're polite, they don't want to hear all that. So save that for somebody who wants to hear it.
Julie Morgan:
So this is avoiding conflict with the ex and also with other people because questions like that could really trigger you. "Where is So-and-so?"
Heather Quick:
Exactly right. So yeah, think about that, but be okay. You can go and you can brush off the question. It's surprising how much you can not answer questions in social settings with other people by redirecting it so that they can talk about themselves. Because that's really what people like to do anyway. So you can very easily redirect it and practice that technique and not take it personally. They're just being polite. Now some may really want to know clearly, and after a few drinks, "You have to tell me what happened." It's not the place. So it's all going to be a challenge, it's all going to be something new. But I think that you can look at it as embracing it as a way to work on those social skills and being tactful.
Julie Morgan:
But you know what, I'm thinking about this and now that you bring that up, people that are listening to this, if you don't see someone else with her, you wait until she says something.
Heather Quick:
Well yeah, but people don't always do that. So, I don't know many people who do that. I think I know a lot of really direct people, they just want to know so they're going to just ask.
Julie Morgan:
But Heather, I mean this could be a way for people to prepare for that holiday party and not to bring up this sensitive topic, especially also if she stopped wearing her ring. Ooh, that's a good show topic. Oh, okay. Let's go back. So if she stopped wearing her ring and you don't see someone else with them, so that right there could help you understand, hey, there's something going on, so don't ask.
Heather Quick:
I think that is a whole other radio show, what not to say to people.
Julie Morgan:
That would be great. I mean that's a good topic. But I think, so look for those type of clues.
Heather Quick:
And yes, I think that you're going to find yourself in a situation, but don't be surprised if they do ask you those questions because most people do.
Julie Morgan:
Okay-
Heather Quick:
And it's okay, they don't know any better.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. So a tactful way of saying, that's none of your business, a tactful way of saying that or without saying it is to try to redirect.
Heather Quick:
Yes, redirection is great and have fun with it. Have fun with it.
Julie Morgan:
So I'm thinking, okay, so let's say, I don't know Heather, help me out with this one. So you ask me, "Where's Chuck?" I don't know, I'm just giving a name and I'm going to try to think of a redirection.
Heather Quick:
Okay, so hey Julie. Oh my god, it's so great to see you. Where's Chuck?
Julie Morgan:
Always in the bathroom. I don't know, I don't know. I'm trying to think of something. I was trying to think on my feet. I don't know, probably in the bathroom or somewhere. I don't know. Okay Heather, that's something you got to work on. That should be part of a plan also to work on redirecting the conversation.
Heather Quick:
Right. Okay. It's only because it's really called mirroring. This is getting all off topic, but this might be really helpful as a strategy. There is this great guy, he's an author and he was a hostage negotiator, so you can learn a lot from a hostage negotiator of how to be in a social setting. But one thing he said was mirroring. He said he had a friend that tried it and went on this social event with his wife and all he did was mirror what everybody else said and they just thought he was the most conversational greatest guy.
It would be like if you said, "Oh Heather, I love that sweater you're wearing." And I'd be like, "This sweater I'm wearing." You do it as a question and then they'll keep going, "I have something like that and blah, blah blah blah." I encourage everybody to try it. Now when they say, "Oh, where's your husband?" I mean you can't be like, "My husband?" You could, but see what they say and they'll be like, "Yeah, what's his name?" Or whatever and, "Huh, I don't know," and then move on. Because then people are like, okay. Not that I've really practiced this this much except I've read the book and listened to videos, but if you consciously are like, I'm going to practice that because I don't want to have to answer a lot of questions, then try that. I think when you go in knowing that, you'll be shocked at how people really will just talk about themselves.
You can start the conversation, "Hey Julie, oh my god, I love that dress." Then boom, you're off and you're talking about that and you can guide the conversation to avoid a question that you don't want to answer. But at the end of the day, you don't have to answer it if you don't want to.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. We just talked about getting through it and also trying to avoid an unexpected situation, unexpected question that comes up. Next, we are going to talk about how to avoid conflict with your exactly. Stay with us.
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Today we're talking about the holidays after divorce and getting through it all. Now we're going to talk about how to avoid conflict with your exactly. Focus on the kids again, right?
Heather Quick:
Yes. This'll be the time you can anticipate what's going to happen, what issues are going to be or whatever, a lot of times it's not even worth the fight. I mean you're over the divorce, just be like, "Whatever." Try to roll with it to the extent you can. It's hard because you do make plans and sometimes plans that are important, and so therefore when they leave, when you pick them up, things like that, it does matter and the timing is... But to the extent that you two are like, "All right, this is what our plan says, you are going to pick them up at noon. What time are you going to pick them up? Where are we going to go?" If there's airline travel, which can happen because many times people have relocated.
Communication is key. There will be things outside of your ex's control or outside of your control in regards to air travel if that's going to be on the issue. So one, understand that, which will get to our next thing, try to be flexible, which I recognize is difficult. In my experience, I’ve heard from so many women over the years, "I'm always the one who's flexible." But you know what? This is the long game and you're doing it for your kids, not to win an argument against him because you did it your way. This is the time of year to the extent that you can do that, it will benefit, it'll keep it more peaceful really for you and the kids.
Julie Morgan:
And then that's what we're trying to do, make sure that it's peaceful and it is as stress-free for them as possible.
Heather Quick:
Right. That comes from how you interact a lot with the ex.
Julie Morgan:
So, over communicating. So I remember us talking about apps that some couples or former couples would use in order to continue to communicate in an effective way. So make sure you're over communicating if you are using one of those apps as well.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. Just being clear when things are going to happen, an event to the extent that you can, you're going to have more peace frankly. At the end of the day, it's just like, okay, just because you guys are divorced, he hasn't changed any nor have you. So the same things that bother you when you're married are still going to, so that will most likely still be there and therefore you can anticipate it and then you can control how you react.
Julie Morgan:
And if you guys want to listen to that show, you can go to our website, womenwinningdivorce.com to download, subscribe, and listen. Now, you mentioned this, try to be flexible and accommodating. Now, Heather.
Heather Quick:
Well you know that's not normally what I say, however I saw you rolling your eyes. But being reasonable, which is not my favorite thing either, I like to be very unreasonable, but it's the holidays, it's different. It's a good time to try to be the bigger person. I say that with aside because nobody wants to hear that and I know nobody wants to do that, however the kids are going to remember the holidays, no matter what age they are. The older they are, the more they're going to be annoyed with you if you act ridiculously. I think kids tend to remember those holidays with certain gifts, whatever. I remember, of course we don't have house phones anymore, but we did when I was a child and when I got that phone, it was like a U shape and beautiful and white and I just had to have that phone. I did not know who I called, if anyone, but I had a phone in my room.
So you will associate that and you don't want your kids to remember, "Oh yeah, that year I got the phone and then mom and dad got mad and blah blah blah, there's a big fight." They will because I think we remember certain things. So that's why, because really the kids are going to know all about that with the holidays and it's really hard to not carry that through. If you have a fight or you're being unreasonable because he's always late and he always does... Well, okay. I get that and if you have plans then you got to try to come up with some things you can control within that to the extent you're the one dropping off or whatever. But I get it, it's frustrating, but it's going to affect you and your kids more if you allow those emotions to take over, that frustration, anger, being annoyed. It takes a lot of deep breaths and knowing that we're going to be back to our daily routines in a couple weeks.
Julie Morgan:
So focus on what you can control.
Heather Quick:
Yes.
Julie Morgan:
Don't try to compete with your ex. Really? I'm going to win. So why not? No, I mean but it's not a good thing, right?
Heather Quick:
No, I mean that is tempting, there's no doubt about it. Many times during the divorce there feels like a lot of competition and who's getting more time and I'm getting more time, I'm winning because I've got them 60/40 versus 50/50 or I get this, I get that. I understand that feeling, however to the extent you guys can communicate about the list overall and yeah, they like the gifts and they love who gives them the gifts and I get that, but to the extent you can communicate and coordinate, I mean you don't need them each getting a puppy and a kitten from each parent because you're going to be stuck taking care of them. You know me, I've got all these dogs and I love my little dogs and that was generally my mother's solution to anything, go get a puppy. So we always got a dog.
I get that and I hear from more women, that the dad got them a puppy and guess what they came home with, and they didn't tell me? Those are, especially if the puppy's going to travel back and forth with the kids, that one needs communication. But that's something like you give your kids a puppy and then they have to leave the next day to go see dad and then they can't take it with them. That's tough. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong to that, it's just to the extent that you two can communicate on the gifts that will be better, and you both know what they want. It gets harder as they get older because then they just want one or two big things versus little toys.
That's, I think what pretty much everybody who's been going through a divorce and is now done, they're hoping we get to the point where we can have a conversation about the kids and the gifts. If you can't, you can't, move on and then say, well, we'll go exchange it and pick something extra that you want or whatnot. That one is tricky. I think it's just trying to understand, what is the meaning of Christmas? What is the meaning of the holidays? I think everybody gives gifts differently and does things differently, but when they're little, Santa comes to both houses, you got the other stuff, and you have different presents.
I'll tell you, my dad, he would knock it out of the park. He's really a big gift giver. But I didn't see him a whole lot either. I was happy with that. I was like, we've got lots of gifts. That was back when it was every other weekend and things like that, never really went for half a summer or anything like that. So, that was his way. He's a great gift giver, he really is. That's his love language is giving gifts. So it is what it is. Not that my mom's not, but he really was the winner on that one. That's okay because she's the one we spent the most time with.
I think that you just have to do what you can do. I think so often that one or both of the parents really do try to compete on the gifts to make up for not seeing them, and that's just their way. You may be doing that because you feel bad. We all do what we can. We're just trying to show our love to our children and everybody has their own way.
Julie Morgan:
I didn't even think about the fact that whenever you're communicating about gifts, not just overlapping, but also how that gift is going to affect the other person.
Heather Quick:
Yeah, like the puppy or what about the games? Now all the video games, well you want video game at each house or then it's coming back. But those little things you can make a huge deal out of or you can be like, "We'll figure it out."
Julie Morgan:
Focus on the future and not the past. I like that one.
Heather Quick:
Then we're growing and moving forward, thinking of the future and how things are going to be versus just dwelling on things that there's nothing we can do about.
Julie Morgan:
Can't go back, we can't fix anything really, just move ahead, move on. New memo.
Heather Quick:
Exactly. Exactly.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Also, reach out to family members and friends.
Heather Quick:
Right. Like we talked about before, everybody knows, this is the person I want to talk to when I'm happy, this is when I'm sad, this is when I need to pick me up, pet me up. You know who in your circle to talk to. Don't use this time to be a hermit and not communicate and reach out if you need. You just need an ear. Yeah, we're all busy, but everybody has a few minutes to talk. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, which is, "let's just talk me through this." Or, "Let's go get a cup of coffee." Something like that. I think that's important because they want to help you. They know, everybody in your circle knows. Holidays are coming, school is out, and where are the kid's going to be? We know it's going to be the first time where it's this different, let us support you. Let people, when they invite you and ask you to do stuff with them, allow them to be that if they're the right people you want to be around because it will help.
Julie Morgan:
And also, if you're listening to this and this kind of made you think of someone who's going through this situation, you could possibly reach out to them.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. Yeah.
Julie Morgan:
You don't have to wait for them to reach out to you. You could reach out to them, and that could also save them maybe a little of what they would feel as embarrassment from having to reach out themselves.
Heather Quick:
I think so. They might not know what to say. They might want to feel they're imposing. So all you have to do is open a conversation. Absolutely. Yeah, so that they're not worried. I think sometimes people are like, "Well, all our friends abandoned me and nobody talks to me anymore." Well, they truly might not know what to say and they might not know what to do. So you just say, "Hey, I just wanted to say hi. I don't want you to feel awkward, blah blah, blah." Just kind of take that off the table and you may find, oh my gosh, they've been thinking about you, they really wanted to see you, but they just didn't know what to do or how to say it. I think that's really, it happens a lot.
Julie Morgan:
And finally, another way to get through it is to make New Year's resolutions. How does that help?
Heather Quick:
Well, again, it's looking future. It gives you a new focus. Focus on the things that you want to do or what you want to accomplish, which I think are better than resolutions because everybody likes talking about breaking resolutions and things. Say, "No, these are some outcomes I want to see this year. These are some things that I'd love to accomplish." I think when you do that, then it's a great focus to start the year.
Julie Morgan:
Any parting words?
Heather Quick:
Well, one thing for sure is that this is going to be different and this may be challenging and that is okay because that's how we grow and get stronger. The divorce is already over, it's happened, so make the most of it because you do have control over that. If you or someone you know is going through this or has any questions or is thinking about a divorce, of course reach out to us at Florida Women's Law Group because we are here to help you and guide you through this.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, it's always a pleasure.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. It's such a pleasure to see you, Julie. And thank you for talking this through for all our listeners so that maybe they heard one thing that's going to make it a little easier for them this year.
Julie Morgan:
I hope so. I'll see you next time.
Heather Quick:
Thank you.
Julie Morgan:
Thank you for listening to Women Winning Divorce. We hope you found information to help you navigate your divorce. If you like our show, please take the time to subscribe and provide a five-star review. If you need more information, please visit our website at womenwinningdivorce.com where you will find previous episodes and other helpful content. Join us next week as we continue our journey of women winning divorce.