Heather Quick, owner and attorney at Florida Women’s Law Group discusses how to tell children you’re divorcing. She discusses how to prepare yourself and what you should and should not say along with handling their reactions.
"Women Winning Divorce" is a radio show and podcast hosted by Heather Quick, CEO and Owner of Florida Women's Law Group. Each week we focus on different aspects of family law to help guide women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges they are facing. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Join Heather each week as she discusses family law issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation and more. This program was created to provide tips and insight to women with family law issues. It is not intended to be legal advice because every situation is different. Visit us at https://www.womenwinningdivorce.com/ for more resources. Text us at 904-944-6800 for a copy of Heather's Top 5 Divorce Tips. If you have questions or a topic you would like Heather to cover, email us at marketing@4womenlaw.com
Women Winning Divorce
Episode 32
Telling Your Children Your Getting Divorce
Julie Morgan:
Welcome to Women Winning Divorce with your host, Heather Quick. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Each week, we provide knowledge and guidance on different aspects of family law to help lead women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges that they are facing. Listen in as she discusses issues, including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation, and other family law issues to provide insight on the journey of women winning divorce.
Welcome to the show. I'm Julie Morgan, and I'm joined by your host, Heather Quick. Heather, you look beautiful today. I love the blue and yellow.
Heather Quick:
Why thank you so very much. You just made my day Ms. Julie.
Julie Morgan:
Oh, I try. I try. You know? You know what? I love the fact that people have been listening and enjoying the podcast, and we're getting feedback on that. It just makes my day.
Heather Quick:
Well, I am so glad. Because we wonder, is it helping anybody? Is anyone listening? Of course, we want to know. I just got some wonderful feedback this week on a woman in our office who said that it has really helped her gather things together and understand the process. So we're doing a good job, Julie. Thank you.
Julie Morgan:
I love to hear that because, and you know what? It's interesting. I've heard a little bit of that feedback as well. And this is from someone that is not going through a divorce, but just someone that sometimes feels just a little bit low. They feel like it gives them a boost and gives them a voice.
Heather Quick:
Wow. Well that is great feedback. I'm so happy to hear that.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. That's why sometimes I say, you know what? This is good even if you're not getting a divorce. Just some of the topics that we cover. Just it really is.
Heather Quick:
Well, I think so because it empowers you, it gives you information on all kind of things. And maybe just how to, yeah, empower yourself. So that is wonderful.
Julie Morgan:
Exactly. Exactly. I like that. So Heather, the topic today, this is, I could say this all the time. This is a little touchy one. Because this is about telling the kids, and these are the kids that are at home with you. That, hey, mom and dad are getting a divorce. How do you even approach that subject?
Heather Quick:
Well, that's what we're going to talk about today because that is on a lot of women's minds. Most of us, as mothers and fathers, think about their kids and they're like, okay, I know this is what I have to do for me, but how do I tell them in a way that is going to be positive or loving? You think of all these things because this is a stark cry from, hey, how do you tell your spouse? No, the kids, this is a totally different thing because there are so many things to consider and that you can do it in a loving and safe way for them, the better.
Julie Morgan:
Exactly, exactly. But you know what? I think about this. Don't kids, don't they have a sense that something isn't right?
Heather Quick:
I would say, absolutely. Because those are conversations I've had with women for years and children are really smart, and they're very perceptive, and they know. They might not be able to articulate it when they're younger. I'll tell you, when we talk about, the older kids get and you tell them, they're like, well, God, why'd you wait so long? Thank goodness you're finally doing something. In some situations where it's really bad, they do have a sense, generally speaking, that something's a little off. We've talked about all kinds of relationships on the show, but if there's fighting, if there's raising the voices, or if there's complete silence and total separation where you're running in two different lives that you think, oh, well nobody's fighting, nobody's angry, we just live separate lives. Well, they recognize that too.
Julie Morgan:
I think about it, and they could possibly see the difference if they go to maybe friends' houses. They could possibly see the difference between their home and their friends' home.
Heather Quick:
I think that's where, and I've gotten that feedback from my kids before, or their friends come over and they're like, oh my gosh, you guys all sit down for dinner? Things like that. Or, you know how to do laundry? I'm like, see, you thought I was such a bad mom, kids, no I'm making you do something. I think that is one of the first ways they really might sense something, good, bad, and different, when they are exposed to other households. And it could be even other family. Say their cousins or aunts and uncles and there's like, wow. You hear from them that's where they always want to go. Oh, I want to be there. It's so happy. It's so nice.
Julie Morgan:
They can not only see the difference, but they can feel the difference.
Heather Quick:
I think that is so well said.
Julie Morgan:
So, but before you tell them, it seems like you need to figure out, you need to be at peace with it yourself.
Heather Quick:
Yes, to the best that you can. I think that if this is happening, you've decided, I'm moving forward, this is happening, or, he's moving forward, and it's okay to be sad. Okay? It's okay to be sad. I would say if you're angry, you want to keep that part to yourself, because that's a real emotion. And then it's, you're sharing that with them, and I think that is what is important. You don't really want to be hysterical because what can happen is you create a situation where now they're trying to take care of you, instead of you trying to take care of them. I think some children naturally are going to try to do that but try to hold it together so that then they feel safe. I think that's really important.
Julie Morgan:
Should both parents be together when they're telling the kids?
Heather Quick:
I think that probably in an ideal world that would be true, from what therapists say. I would really suggest you do it together because ideally you and your husband are saying, how are we going to do this? This isn't, well, I'm going to go tell the kids before. If you have that opportunity, I think that's great. I think that, we always talk about therapy, even if just enough to say, hey, my husband and I want to talk to you about how can we best deliver this information to our children?
But I think, yes, that is because what you want children to understand is that each parent still loves them. We may not want to live together, which is so complicated. Depending on where the kids are developmentally, they don't always get it. They understand, okay, we're not going to live in the same house, and maybe that's as far as it goes at that point. They're not going to really understand all those emotions. So if you can say that we still love you, but now we're going to have different houses. Depending on where they are, that might be enough. Because most kids understand that, oh yeah, Johnny or Jane, they go back and forth or whatever. They understand that.
Julie Morgan:
But it seems like for some relationships, it may not even be possible to do it together.
Heather Quick:
Very true and we've talked about a lot of those relationships. There could be safety issues there. Your husband might not have come to acceptance and still be very angry, and very angry at you, and doesn’t want you to tell them. If it's not possible to be on the same page, which of course a lot of times that's why we are getting divorced, because we're not on the same page, we can't communicate, maybe about things related to the children. So then it might be you on your own having this conversation with them.
Julie Morgan:
Do you think that it would be okay to bring in another party, say grandma, favorite aunt or uncle, to try to help them through this? Or should this be something that you talk to them yourself?
Heather Quick:
I think that that is going to depend on you and maybe you feel like that will help you. I think how you make that decision is you know your kids. Small kids are going to be a different, shorter conversation that's not going to go in depth. But if we have middle school kids, or young teenagers, teenagers that might be angry, it might be helpful. Because they've been living through this as well so they're coming at it from their angle of children living in this household. And really understanding where they are in their developmental process, they're going to be normal ways that they're going to look at it. All kids are, what about me? But particularly teenagers, that's the right way, that's the way they're supposed to be. That's where they are. So that might be something where you're like, well maybe this is easier, but let's be clear, you are starting a new chapter. You need to be strong enough to have this conversation with your children on your own.
Julie Morgan:
And what about, what if you have children that have a wide age gap? That would probably be another time where you speak to them separately, right? Say a three year old and a 11 year old.
Heather Quick:
Exactly. I do. I think that, go with your instincts as to your children. Because as someone who has three children, they're all different, but remember they are children. So don't draw them in as the adult, they're going to comfort each other, and it will bring them closer because they're experiencing this from that same viewpoint as children, and this is happening. I think that ideally, they are all there at the same time. So that what you're saying is the same to all of them. But some children are more perceptive than others and they might already know and you might have told them and now it's, I'm going to tell your brother. I do think that's okay too. And I said brother because I got a younger brother. But I think that as the mother, and if you are handling this on your own, or even with your husband, you guys talk about it. You know your kids, and how can we best help them feel safe and loved while delivering this bad news?
Because it is bad news. It's bad news to them. It's what you know you need to do for you and your family, but it's going to be sad for them. If you've ever had to deliver difficult news to your children, it's hard and it's okay if you cry and show emotion. Understand that you always want to circle back because then kids are scared if their parents are sad. But it allows them to be sad too. I think that's important because otherwise they might keep it all in and be angry. That's why therapists, because as we know, I'm not a licensed therapist, just lived a lot and have kids, and learned a lot and know that I think it's better to have emotions and express them, rather than to keep them in and repress them down.
Julie Morgan:
Because that could affect them in other aspects of their lives as well. They could carry that on into other aspects of their lives.
Heather Quick:
Yeah, like we all do. Hey, I was a very rebellious teenager, and I had nothing to be angry about, but boy, I found stuff. And we all blame our parents because it's always our fault anyway. So yes there's going to be, but not all families are used to expressing emotion so they might not. That's why you do the best you can. I would say, be honest and open, but not too much. They're children. The details, that's not appropriate. We'll get to that because that doesn't help anybody. At the end of the day, your children are part you, part your husband. If you talk bad, if either one of you talk badly about the other person, you're basically talking badly about your child. They're like, well I'm part my dad, everybody says I look just like my dad. Or, I look just like you mom or whatever, that doesn't ever end well. So honest, open, but the nitty gritty details, which too many people do divulge, are certainly not appropriate at this stage.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. When we return, we're going to talk about the ideal time to tell them, as well as what you should and should not say. Stay with us.
You're listening to women winning divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Heather, is there ever an ideal time to tell your kids that you and your spouse are getting a divorce?
Heather Quick:
There are a lot of times it's not a good time. We know it's not a good time like hey, on the way to school, in the morning. Hey, by the way kids, I'm about to drop you off. I'm not trying to make light, however, our children, that's their job. That is their job, their school.
I would say when there's time to reflect or discuss, which would be, I mean, ideally, you have a few days off from school, if say before the weekend, might not always be the best time. Let's say they're going somewhere for the weekend, but you want them to know. Or let's say your parents are coming to town, nobody else knows yet, maybe not then. I don't know. Again, I think we know when not to.
Not right before they're about to have something important or school. You want some time for that conversation and for the reality to sink in. It's obviously not going to be just like, we talk about it once and it's done. But I think when there's an opportunity for space and time to be there. Again, this can be so dependent on the age of the kids. I know I said not on the way to school, but sometimes some of the best conversations with teenagers, middle schoolers, are when you are in the car because they cannot leave. Maybe they're not yet, but again you know your kids, but maybe not on the way to an important thing where then now obviously they're going to be all distraught.
Julie Morgan:
I was thinking, definitely not before they take the SAT or the ACT.
Heather Quick:
No, then you will definitely, that will be all your fault if they don't do well. So don't. That would not. And again, like we said, with our kids you know some are more sensitive than others, and some might go down this rabbit hole of all these questions and fear. So, you just, you know your kids. That's why trust your instincts, and then just try to do it in the best, loving, safe environment and situation that you can.
Julie Morgan:
But they don't need to know the details.
Heather Quick:
That's right, no. We can't say that enough. Too many situations happen when kids know, and they've been told too much. That's just damaging to them psychologically and it doesn't make them feel safe. But let's think of if we put the kids first and we think about them, we know that's not good for them under any circumstances. Do you want to look bad? No, so let's talk about you. You start doing that and sharing too much information, if it comes out in front of the court, and if there's some custody issues, they are really going to come down on you. I've seen judges really take a lot of action as far as from, these kids need to maybe be more with this other parent because you can't stop sharing details of this that's going on.
When there are those cases, typically therapists are involved and they're like, this is not good, they know too much. So if they're going to hear it, and they're with you, you really need to do your best to shield them. As well as from things that are written down, from your emails, your conversations with the attorney, all of that is off limits. In my opinion, in my experience, it’s taking the high road and it's just saying, this is adult stuff. We're not going to talk about the details with you.
But I think even if you don't love your husband, but a part of you I think could find the truth in that you love the part of him that contributed to your children. Let's go there. Because if you can do that, you can deliver information in a way that really is loving your children, and avoiding just getting down in the mud and that never ends well. And they're going to end up resenting you for doing that.
Julie Morgan:
I can definitely see that because how many parents, good parents, would say, yeah, okay, you really shouldn't be here. But the only reason why they're here is because of the love that you had for that other person.
Heather Quick:
That's right. As bad as it can be, because we've talked about all those situations, I think that you go there in your head. Okay, there's something. I've had those conversations over the years. I know this is the worst time, but you know you wouldn't have your child without them, so there must be something there. If you can hold onto that, it hopefully can allow you to just keep the negativity down.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. I guess that should be the focus. Like, what can I focus on? And that could be a good focus.
Heather Quick:
Right. Because then that's showing love to your child. At the end of the day they're going to feel safer and more loved, if they don't have to worry that their mom hates their dad.
Julie Morgan:
So what do they want to know? Okay, we've talked about what you shouldn't say, but what will they want to know so that would be what you should say?
Heather Quick:
Well, okay, where are they going to live? Now I think that a lot of times you don't know, and maybe you both have very differing views. Well, for now we're going to stay here and you're going to see your dad a lot. Or, you're going to see me, but we're going to stay. If you're like, we're up and moving, maybe you do not share that, unless that is true, and you are allowed to be moving somewhere by the courts.
But if generally speaking, most cases, we keep it the status quo. Everybody loves that word, status quo, in the family dynamic while they're going through this. Meaning, let's keep the kids in the same school, and that's why during school is probably much easier on your children because they have such a routine. So yes, there are some changes going on, obviously with the family dynamic, and if dad's moving out or mom, or the house is sold and we're both moving, but they have a consistency of their routine, which is going to school and that can be very good for them. Because they're going to want to know that. Think about what their world revolves around? Their friends, their school, their dog.
What we've seen before is the dog goes with the kids back and forth. That's important to children. They're going to cling to the things that help them feel safe and normal. So, that might be important. Even if you're thinking, I don't see how that'll work, say, I think that's a great idea. We'll try to do that. Or we're going to try different things. Sometimes, and I will say that I found through the years, it's really frustrating for women. They're like, he went and got an apartment and it's got this cool pool and all these amenities, and the kids are so happy. Well, let's give him something to be happy about because at the end of the day, if you're still in the house in the neighborhood where all the people they love, they do want to come back but it's new and exciting. They're trying to associate this sad thing with something positive.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And another thing I thought about you mentioned as far as the school is concerned, what if there is a move? And I know I am fast forwarding to right after the divorce, but if there is a move, should you try your hardest to keep them in the same school?
Heather Quick:
That is going to really depend, because sometimes it's just not possible with the changing dynamic of now there's two households. The one house, it might not be possible. It might not, within that house, that doesn't mean the school district has to change. So those are things that you should talk to a lawyer about, you should have good feel for, or if you and your spouse are amicable, ideally with what the approach of the law, the courts are, the more we can keep the children in the same situation, the better, at least during the divorce.
Sometimes maybe the parents agree. You think about this past year where, it makes a lot of financial sense to sell the house when the market's booming. Let's both agree, we're going to maybe go rent something. But this is now a time where we want to go to a different school district, which will be a lot of change, but if the parents are on board with that, then you just make it in a positive light, I would say. But yeah, I think, don't lie. If there are things you don't know, say, I don't know yet. But this is what we do know, that you're going to see us both a lot. This is what we're going to do. I don't know if we're moving yet or not. We're going to try to stay in the same school. Because there's so much unknown, and so the more that you can reassure them, I think the better.
Julie Morgan:
What do you think is the one question that kids ask a lot?
Heather Quick:
Well, this is why. They want to know why, why, why, why, why, hwy. I think that is pretty much anything, and any parent knows, sometimes they just keep asking why. Then you say the thing that you swore you would never tell your kids, because I said so. Because you just have to end this conversation. And I'm not saying that with this, trying to make a little jest because I feel like as a parent, I'm never saying that. And then you're like, oh my God, I just said that. I did absolutely just say that.
I think you try to stay with, we made this decision, it was hard. We still love you, but we want to have different houses. This is what we think is better. And that's just difficult. That's where therapy can really, really benefit any person going through this, and can benefit your children. Because if they keep asking and it's really bothering them, I would really encourage therapy to help them because they might just need to talk it out with somebody other than you. I would say, they're just trying to make sense of it. How do I make sense of this? Because this answer doesn't make sense to me. So they keep asking why just to try to process it. It's never going to make sense. Even if you told them the real reason they're not going to, why can't you forgive them? Why can't they do better? Or, why can't you?
There's a lot that there's never really going to be a full answer. Going down that road, you probably should really just help them with therapy. There's a lot, which we probably will talk about it. In St. John's County, for sure, they do have children go to classes. They have to attend to reassure them and give them a sense of, it's not them and it's going to be okay. The more resources you can give your children to help them understand this, the better. If you have a child that's a reader, well do some research. Maybe there's a great book for the kids on that. Maybe they just need to talk it through with a therapist. Maybe they have to go to this class that's helpful. Maybe they really are close with the teacher or somebody from church, or a coach. Maybe just give them a heads up. They might bring something up, they're going through this. Then that gives them that external support where if they do bring it up, somebody's there. They kind of already know, they're not taken aback.
Julie Morgan:
I was thinking about this. You said they may say, why can't you forgive them? Because that may be something that you teach them, forgive your brother or sister for hitting you in the head. I don't know. So that may be something you teach them so they're like, well, why can't you do it?
Heather Quick:
Exactly, yes. That was exactly what I was thinking. All of these things that you've tried to instill in your children, they're going to be like, well, you said do this, or do that. They can't because they're children. All they want are their two parents together because that's what they have known. They're coming at it from that. That's why that why question it's going to be there eventually. Now they will have received a lot of information that they're not sure how to handle because they're children, and they will repeat that again elsewhere. So again, just same with the blaming the other parent or saying anything, they're going to repeat that and it doesn't help them. It really doesn't. Even though they're wanting a reason, we all want someone to blame, something to blame to say, this is why this happened. Now I'm going to be mad at you and that's going to make me feel better about this happening, but it doesn't.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. When we return, we're going to talk about their reactions. Stay with us.
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Heather, before we get into their reactions, as far as the children are concerned, I want to talk about as far as you don't want to get in the middle of the relationship with the other parent. As far as get interfering with that relationship saying, you don't really need to talk to your dad.
Heather Quick:
Correct, correct. Because then that is going to give them fear. That is going to undermine a relationship that may or may not be strong to begin with wherever you're coming from. I've heard it many times and that can be a reason, one of the many reasons, he doesn't have a relationship with him anyway. He's never around. Well now more than ever, that child may recognize that and want that. If your husband wants to be with those kids and spend time, you encourage it. You do give that safety and love for your children because they're going to feel more secure, because they don't want to disappoint either parent. And that's hard. That's where they want to know, when I come back to mom, she's not going to be mad at me that I had a good time with dad. That's important.
I feel like that's really important. I think a lot of kids do, whether they can articulate that or not. So I think it's really important to encourage the relationship if he calls. I don't think you need to say, you need to call your dad right now. You don't need to do that. But you're a supporter for your child to have a good relationship with both parents, with all of their family, and just look at it through that lens. It will make it better.
Julie Morgan:
Support. And both parents really need to know this. Both parents.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely. The more, yes, then we have better children and a better next generation.
Julie Morgan:
Let's talk about their reactions. It can be all over the place, right?
Heather Quick:
Absolutely, because they're developmental age is going to have a lot to do with it. But yeah, they could be angry, they could be sad. They could be like, all right, is that all we're talking about? Because they have to process it and they don't want to communicate that with you. They don't want to talk it out. But then some kids are talkers and they want to talk and some will be. That I think is probably the only thing that you can definitely expect is that they're going to all experience it differently, and they may not even react in the way that you think. But give them time because you know your kid and maybe they just got to process it.
They want to think about it and then ask questions. I think that's how you can gauge that conversation by their reactions and letting them express that. If they're mad at you, let them just get that out and that you are still there for them. You love them. It's not their fault, even though they might think that, and they might take that on. I think just sharing that with them, creating a space where they can have that reaction, and that you're here to answer their questions.
Julie Morgan:
No reaction at all, to me, seems the scariest.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. I think that you might find that more in a teenager, depending on where they are in their developmental age because they're already, maybe moody. They might already, they go through so much depending on where they are. They might not be able to express words or emotions and want to process it on their own. Again, it really is going to depend on your kids and probably the way they've reacted. If you've ever had to share bad news or they've ever been sad, even from, okay, depending on their age, from a movie or whatever.
I've got one child that, oh my gosh, if something happens to an animal in a commercial, it's a full on crying. But it just depends on how they are relating to it. And girls are going to be different than boys. I think just creating that space, sitting with it for them, don't be like, are you okay? Are you okay? What else do you want to know? Just if they're not engaging right now, they will at some point. And again, therapy might be helpful if there is a communication block between you guys. But yeah, I think many times that is scary. At least you know, if they're mad, okay, I know how they're feeling. They're sad. But if they're quiet, you're like, uh-oh what is going on in that brain, in that heart? You're not sure.
Julie Morgan:
And I think about it as far as them taking time to process it, think about how long it took you to process it.
Heather Quick:
Exactly. Exactly. And yeah, everybody has to process it in their own way.
Julie Morgan:
So this is where that reassurance really comes in from the parent.
Heather Quick:
Yes, and that is not their fault. Even if you're delivering this on your own, reinforce, I love you, your father loves you. You did not do anything. They might say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I was bad. That's going to, again, come from where they are and just reassure them. No, you didn't do anything to cause this and we still love you. And you're going to be okay.
Julie Morgan:
I wonder why kids think it's their fault.
Heather Quick:
I don't know. I guess because they're just, you guys are a unit. You exist there and they can't make sense of it. Because they don't want to blame mom or dad, they're like, they love them so it couldn't be their fault. Well, it must be mine because it has to be. That's how we make sense. It has to be somebody's fault. Somebody did this. When something breaks, somebody did it. But it's so much more complex than that. As we know relationships aren't, it's not just a one person, generally, it's a lot of things. It takes two people, again, to make it and two to break it. So I think it's a simplistic way that a child would absolutely try to make that in their frame of reference, that it has to be somebody's fault.
Julie Morgan:
But I'm thinking about this as well. And I feel like you mentioned this earlier, but my mind went back to try not to lie to the kids about things, but answer the question to the best of your ability. Because lying, one, they can probably tell you're lying based on their life with you. And two, it's going to come back to bite you.
Heather Quick:
It is and I know it's hard. I mean to say we're going to be okay, and everything is going to be okay, you will. If you decide you're going to all be okay, you will be okay. I think that it's okay to be sad. Say, I don't know if I know everything, but I know that we're all still going to love you. You're still going to get to see grandma, grandpa, dad, aunt. This stuff that you do know, say, I don't know that, but this is what I do know. They're going to, depending on where they are, their house, their school, the things that they normally do, that's going to be probably top of mind for them. I think that you can reassure them on that.
Julie Morgan:
And okay probably won't be this exact same thing that okay has been over the past several years, or since you were born, but it'll be a new version of okay.
Heather Quick:
Right, and it can be an adventure. There is more than one way to look at it. The way you frame what comes next is going to really impact the way they look at it. You do have that ability to frame it in that way. And that's what's the best thing to do. Not everybody has a positive outlook. I understand that. Not everybody sees things in that frame of reference, but I would think if you're listening to this, and it's resonating with you, then you want to.
Maybe you have not it in the past looked at things from that lens of, we can make this okay. If I want this to be okay, and I want us to be all right, we can, then you can do it. You're on your way there. That will be best for both of you, or for your family in general, if you can see the silver lining. Because you're not doing this unless you know there's something better. I don't mean someone better, I mean a better life, a more peaceful life, a more loving life. You showing up as a better person, your husband showing up as a better person, as a better father, and you're a better mother by not being together.
Julie Morgan:
Something else you mentioned in segment two of the show was if the child goes to someone that they trust. Maybe a coach or a teacher, letting them know that, hey, our family is going through something, so just in case you hear something, that's what it is. And so they can approach it in a good way. Why is that important?
Heather Quick:
Well, our children have other adults in their lives that influence them, and that maybe they confide in. As a parent, you know that. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You're not asking them to have a conversation, but if they seem upset, I just want you to have a little grace with them and maybe take that action. I think that's really important because it may hit them at some time during a class, and they might just get really upset. If you've given the teachers a heads up, they might just say, "Oh, hey Johnny, why don't you come here? And could you help me do this? Or I need to take something."
Many people interact with your children, particularly at schools or in sports and coaches, there may very well be an opportunity for them to assist them if you've just given them a heads up. Say, I don't know if they're going to say anything, but if you notice that, this is probably why. Just giving them some grace and not making them run extra laps, or putting them in detention. Unless that's more like, I don't know, but I just think that we as parents, our children generally, hopefully, have some other people in their life that are influential and that can be helpful.
Julie Morgan:
And it also helps them, they're not caught off guard by just possibly erratic behavior. Or behavior that is just not normal for that child.
Heather Quick:
Correct, correct. That presents itself with an opportunity for them to assist your child because they have a little bit of heads up. Maybe make that easier for your child with their reaction and how they're going through it.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, is there anything else that you want to talk about on this topic?
Heather Quick:
No, just that I know this is going to be a challenge, but most of parenting is a challenge, one way or another throughout that road. And this is just going to be one of those things. Remember that you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be like, I handled that the best that I was able to. And as always, therapists are a wonderful resource on these kinds of topics. Rather sometimes I'll be like, well talk to your attorney. No, not on this. On this, talk to a therapist, a good friend, somebody who's been through this that could help you. And of course, as always, we are here at Florida Women's Law Group to assist you, or anyone you know that is challenged in these areas.
Julie Morgan:
And I think about that, what you just said, as far as going to a therapist and speaking with them about this. Even if your spouse says, "No, I don't want to do that." You could still do it so you can help your child understand what's going on.
Heather Quick:
Correct, correct. Because you might not know what words, yeah. Always getting the sounding board from somebody objective can help you do a better job.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, so just, even if they say no, you can still say yes. I'm going to do this. Yeah. Well, hey-
Heather Quick:
Very good, Julie, that's a good one to end it on.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, it is always a pleasure to see you.
Heather Quick:
Thank you so much. Great to see you too. I like the new hairstyle with the curls. It was a great addition for this week.
Julie Morgan:
You all, you can't see me, but I look like Curly Sue. I'm telling you. Thank you, Heather. I'll see you next time.
Heather Quick:
All right. Thank you.
Julie Morgan:
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