Heather Quick, attorney and owner of Florida Women’s Law Group, talks about Holidays in an unhappy marriage. She discussed the stress of holidays PLUS an unhappy marriage and strategies to survive the holidays.
"Women Winning Divorce" is a radio show and podcast hosted by Heather Quick, CEO and Owner of Florida Women's Law Group. Each week we focus on different aspects of family law to help guide women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges they are facing. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Join Heather each week as she discusses family law issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation and more. This program was created to provide tips and insight to women with family law issues. It is not intended to be legal advice because every situation is different. Visit us at https://www.womenwinningdivorce.com/ for more resources. Text us at 904-944-6800 for a copy of Heather's Top 5 Divorce Tips. If you have questions or a topic you would like Heather to cover, email us at marketing@4womenlaw.com
Women Winning Divorce
Episode 39
Holidays in an Unhappy Marriage
Julie Morgan:
Welcome to Women Winning Divorce with your host, Heather Quick. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives.
Each week we provide knowledge and guidance on different aspects of family law, to help lead women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges that they are facing. Listen in as she discusses issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation, and other family law issues, to provide insight on the journey of women winning divorce.
Welcome to the show. I'm Julie Morgan and I'm joined by your host, Heather Quick. How you doing, Heather?
Heather Quick:
I am doing great. How are you?
Julie Morgan:
I'm doing very well. Guess what? No technical issues like last week. I'm happy.
Heather Quick:
Lovely. I knew you would fix it. Maybe it's not you or me, it was just a day for difficult technology.
Julie Morgan:
I know, it happens. Oh boy, let me tell you! Today our topic is, "Holidays in an Unhappy Marriage." Yes, the holidays are upon us.
How stressful can this be when you're with someone that you just don't want to be with?
Heather Quick:
Oh, boy, that's rough.
I would say the holidays can be stressful, good or bad. Good stress, bad stress, lot going on. Got a lot to do. If you're in an unhappy marriage that is difficult, and you guys are struggling even when things are going well, then when we bring in an external stressor like the holidays, we got to travel, we've got to be with family, we've got to do all those things, that is just going to make it seem so difficult, almost impossible, to get through it, with pretending to be everything okay or not arguing during that time.
Julie Morgan:
Oh, that seems like a difficult task. It really does.
Heather Quick:
Yes.
Julie Morgan:
There's lots of situations that you have to deal with. The in-laws, and everything.
Heather Quick:
From my experience, knowing all the others that I interact with and people, things happen. We always go to one parent for Thanksgiving, or we have to do the multiple Thanksgivings in a day. If we have to travel, and we know travel is a mess and stressful event in and of itself, so you have that.
Plus the in-laws external family, they're going to ask you questions. Even if you all live in the same area or you're traveling to see them, Aunt Susie, Aunt Betsy, and Uncle Joe always got a lot of questions. "How are you going to keep it together?"
Oh my God, then everybody's going to be drinking and, "Oh, I better not say anything. I don't want just slip." And then, "Oh, he's going to be so annoying," and, "How am I going to make it through?"
There's a lot. So many, between Thanksgiving, Christmas, parties in-between, get-togethers, and putting on that facade. If you have kids, ugh, all those things. That's a lot, and that can wear you out to think, "How am I going to fake it through this?"
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Aunt Betsy always has questions, and she just really wants to know the business.
Heather Quick:
She does. She does not stop.
Julie Morgan:
Yes, indeed.
I thought this was interesting. When I was prepping for the show, every TV commercial, if you think about it, it's this really happy family, and they're trying to make you feel like you have that happy family, too. But really, you don't.
Heather Quick:
And that's tough. Yes, it's TV, and all the Hallmark movies on the holidays, as well as everywhere on social media. I fall victim to that as well. I'm certainly not posting or sending out a Christmas card where we're all fighting and looking exhausted. Have you ever gotten that Christmas card?
Julie Morgan:
No.
Heather Quick:
Or for those who don't send Christmas cards, but New Year cards. It's like, no, you don't. Some days it's like, "Oh my gosh, how did we get that together?" I have a very long list of everything we do to get ready for Christmas. That includes pictures with Santa. You have to do the Christmas brunch, the Christmas dinner, Christmas cards, Christmas pajamas. There's a lot that I have created and put all on myself and I bet I'm not the only one.
Julie Morgan:
Certainly not, no.
Heather Quick:
You may not even feel motivated to do it, but it's like, well, this is what we always have to do, and that's what everybody expects. That can be difficult.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, it's what's familiar. That's interesting. It's what's normal for you and so you feel like, yes, this is something that has to be done, and you try to do it for the children, as well. Just to make sure that they have some type of, for lack of a better word, some continuity in their life. You know?
Heather Quick:
The same reason we don't want change, we don't want to change things for our kids, because this is what they expect. This is what's familiar.
That is a misconception for most people. A loving safe environment for children is really the best thing for them. It's a lot, the stress of the holidays and trying, in a lot of ways, to put on a happy face, because maybe you're thinking, "Well, I'm just going to wait 'til afterwards."
I've had those conversations with many women. Sometimes then they can't wait. It got too bad. Or they're like, "We have to at least start planning the divorce now," because they know it's going to be too difficult to keep up appearances. You're trying to aim for this perfection, this ideal, this TV, and that's something that maybe is not really realistic this year.
Julie Morgan:
I think about that, and I'm thinking, "Is that realistic at any point, at any time in life," the television commercial family? The reason why I say that is because we look at social media so many times, and people are only going to post their highlight reels. They will not post the negative. We shouldn't compare ourselves and our family to their highlights.
Heather Quick:
It's true.
Everybody's had that moment, that year, that event. They were like, we did it. We did have that. We did knock it out of the park this year. Look at that picture. It's our best family Christmas picture ever. So, I mean, it's hard for me to tell people not to do it because I think we do. We naturally are like, we can do it, we did it once.
Julie Morgan:
It is possible to get through the holidays as a sane person the whole way.
Heather Quick:
I think so. I think understanding you might try to say I know we're getting a divorce after this, so I'm going to go over and above to make everything about this one perfect.
I think that's putting a lot of stress on you. It's too much. Your kids, and I'm not saying certified or do all this during it, but your kids and family might be angry. "Why did you go to all that trouble when now you're getting divorced?"
Julie Morgan:
I didn't think about that.
Heather Quick:
It just came to me, too. I'm thinking, they might really get mad. That's the way friends and kids and families are sometimes. You're like, "Wait, I thought I did everything right?"
Nope, you did everything wrong. There isn't a win. To go over the top and be like, this is the greatest thing ever. Then that next month you're like, "Yeah, we're done. He's leaving." That might not be the best thing either.
Just try to get through, do the best that you can, but don't overly try to fake this happy family. One, that's going to put a lot of pressure on you, like you were saying, but that can end up backfiring, as well.
Julie Morgan:
Wow. I didn't think about that. That's interesting.
Heather Quick:
Every now and then I get a brilliant idea.
Julie Morgan:
Quite often.
Heather Quick:
You don't want to make it the most miserable holiday where everybody's like, "Oh my gosh, please don't stay married." There's a balance with everything. We're not trying to pretend this is winter wonderland, but also don't be a total Scrooge about it if you could help it. You might not. It's hard, and sometimes you don't have control over things. Your husband may be like, forget it. I'm getting a divorce. I'm out, a couple weeks before Christmas. You can't control that.
Julie Morgan:
Wow. Yeah. Another thing is, try to think positive. Don't spend the whole time thinking, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."
Heather Quick:
Agreed, because then that's all you're going to think about. The more you can distract yourself with activities that make you happy and maybe that you don't all have to do together. If you have to go out of town to visit family, maybe you can have some meaningful time doing something you like, without feeling as though you're with the entire family all the time, and under some stress.
Julie Morgan:
Something you mentioned earlier, the Christmas Scrooge. How would you define that? What would possibly make someone the Christmas scrooge?
Heather Quick:
Announcing a divorce on Christmas Eve.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah.
Heather Quick:
It's a hard decision. It takes time to come to those decisions, and they're not done easily or on a whim. Sometimes people have to make peace with that. They might have already decided before the holidays or whatever.
I think that you can decide you're moving forward with a divorce and you can begin the process without announcing it publicly or at family dinner. I don't think that's going to make you feel better or anyone else. You can get through it the best you can, but you don't have to ruin everybody else's holiday by having this as the discussion for everybody. "Well, next year we're not going to be together because we're going to have to split the holidays and do the divorce."
Frankly, I think, Julie, that could be a situation with your spouse, because I'm just advising women, not that it's not good advice, but we certainly in our experience have been in many situations where women got served a couple weeks before Christmas. Now they're very hurt and upset, and that might be, "Well, he filed for divorce, so enjoy it now. This will be our last time together. Next year, he wants you guys to be only with him at the holidays," or something like that. I don't recommend that. You don't have to bring that into everybody else.
Julie Morgan:
Let me ask you this. You may not be able to answer it, but, if that has happened to someone, what was the reasoning behind him doing that? Why? What was the point of it when you could have waited three weeks? You know what I mean?
Heather Quick:
Sometimes you just can't. I can't speak to why he would do it, but sometimes women do it, too. I think that sometimes that's just what you have to do. I'm not going to sit here and say we don't file divorces in December, because we do.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, I thought it was a slow month for you?
Heather Quick:
No, it's not at all. I'm not here to say don't move forward with your life in December. But if you're in a situation that's difficult, you don't have to make it more difficult by bringing in all of your extended family.
Julie Morgan:
Let's say that this did happen, that you were served with papers, but you kept it between the two of you until after that time.
Heather Quick:
That is a possibility, which is something we've talked about on these podcasts and radio shows before.
Don't bring everybody into your business. You don't have to tell everybody. You think it's going to make you feel better. It's not. You're going to regret airing your dirty laundry, having discussions in front of lots of people, and bringing up things that are not appropriate.
That's why, many times, it's the stress of the holidays and of going through a divorce that cause you to act in a way that otherwise you wouldn't normally act. This applies to if you're in the middle of a divorce. November still comes around, and December, and January. The world keeps going on, even though the focus of your world is the divorce that you're in, or the post-divorce relocation things you're in. The world is going on. You're still going to have to be in front of people, but you don't have to bring everybody else down if you are, in fact, unhappy, or resentful, or anything, you know what I mean?
Julie Morgan:
I do.
I remember us talking about this in a previous episode of the show, as some of possibly the worst times to make this announcement. We talked about the fact that the holidays definitely falls under that list.
Heather Quick:
What my advice is, why are you doing it? It's not going to make you feel better. If you could play that video in your head of what that looks like, maybe you have enough wherewithal to be like, that's not going to look good, and it's not going to serve a purpose that is going to help anybody in our family. We all have seen the family member that overshared and provided information that the rest of us didn't want.
Your divorce and proceedings, particularly when you are with family and extended family, that you may still be with in the future, it's not appropriate. It's more harmful to your children, whether they're small children or adult children. It's just not helpful. Particularly, at the end of the day, it's not good for you. That's not the proper venue to be discussing the unhappiness in your marriage, the difficulties with the divorce, or anything. It's just not the right venue.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group.
Today, we're talking about, "Holidays in an Unhappy Marriage." We're going to take a quick break here and when we return, we'll talk about strategies to survive holidays. Stay with us.
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Heather, today's topic, "Holidays in an Unhappy Marriage." Now we're talking about strategies to survive the holidays. What's number one?
Heather Quick:
The number one is don't overindulge alcohol. Limit your alcohol intake, because it may seem like a good solution to drink to get through it, but rarely is that a good idea, because you then may have loose lips, you may say things, you may get much more emotional. It could go many different ways, but at the end of the day, you're not in complete control of your faculties. Even if you had decided how you were going to get through these holidays, that may go off the rails if you overindulge
Julie Morgan:
You may look at it and say, "Well, the alcohol is going to calm me down." But it may do some other things.
Heather Quick:
Right! Exactly, it might relax you, but it tends to make a bad situation worse when you drink a lot. It can maybe relax you, but then make you super sad and weepy, crying about how bad things are to everybody, or could be angry. Even if you're a happy drunk, your lips get looser and your inhibitions go down. Again, you just may say things that you regret, and that you wish you hadn't.
Julie Morgan:
Here's another thing I thought about. You may not even remember you said it.
Heather Quick:
Most likely not, until somebody brings it up and you'll be like, "Oh, yeah."
How often have you heard or said, "Oh yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that. Probably shouldn't have said that." That's because it's not just the drinking. That's like adding fuel to the fire because you're already stressed, because things aren't going well in the marriage, or the divorce is going on. Things are already at a stress point.
Then we add the good and bad stress of the holidays, so you're already trying to balance. Think about a teeter-totter, and you're trying to keep it level. Alcohol's going to send one end down, one end up, and go over the edge.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, I would fall off a teeter-totter every time and bruise easily, let me tell you. That made me think, seriously, if you know you can't keep your balance otherwise, please don't involve alcohol.
Heather Quick:
That's right.
That's the thing, what can help that? That's saying what not to do.
What you can do is in engage in self-care. That's really a hot topic right now. Everybody's like, "Take care of yourself. Self-care." Well, what does that mean? What's good for you? Exercise. Make sure you're walking, that can be great. We're in Florida, so you can always walk unless it's rain. Even if it's rain, because it's not ever freezing rain.
Get outside. I'm a big believer in alcohol... Alcohol? Exercise, to relieve this stress. Oops. Okay, I call that a Freudian slip.
I believe that if you can walk and maybe think about, "I am going to do these things for me," instead of this being a list of all the things not to do. I think the rebellious side to everybody's like, "Wow, don't tell me what not to do."
Focus on, "I am going to walk. I'm going to make sure I do a little meditation." I don't normally do it, but during this period of time, five minutes. There's a million apps out there where you can do a guided meditation to center yourself. Just some things that are going to help fill you up with a sense of, "I can do this, I can keep a cool head," might really go a long way.
Julie Morgan:
On your walk, you can think about things and come to the conclusion. Think about scenarios that you won't put yourself in, that type of thing. You can work through it.
Heather Quick:
It really can. Yes, I think that's a great opportunity. Within that, there's an opportunity for you to find reasons to be grateful.
Julie Morgan:
I like that.
Heather Quick:
What you focus on is what's going to happen, regardless. If you want to focus on all the bad, that's what's going to happen.
There are always reasons to be grateful, even if it's just, "I woke up this morning, and I don't have to think about breathing, it's just happening." If you can get that granular, there is something that truly happens, physiologically, when you experience feelings of gratefulness. It helps with the other stress and anger, and that, in and of itself, might be enough to get you through some difficult family time.
Julie Morgan:
Another thing you can do is, call a truce with your spouse.
Heather Quick:
Yes. Now, that might not be possible, but that is absolutely, in many cases, worthwhile.
Julie Morgan:
You both have to be on the same page with this one. Definitely.
Heather Quick:
Right.
For those of you listening here that are like, that's not possible. I get it, and I'm not going to argue with you. You find reasons to be grateful and find some boundaries and an intention for yourself.
For those of you who can at least have that conversation, and may say, well, they may tell me they're going to do it, but they won't. Maybe give them an opportunity to let you down, but at least you've reached out. You can still control your own behavior, as we've talked about in many of these podcasts, so you can make that choice. You've at least offered them an opportunity.
Now, what I would say is, again, don't let everybody know. "I asked him not to talk about this, but here he is." That's just engaging in that kind of conversation.
Julie Morgan:
Even if he says, "Well, I'm not on board with this," or he may act like it, you can remove yourself from a conversation before it escalates.
Heather Quick:
Yes, you can. I know that may not be a familiar pattern for you or not, but at least it's an option. There really are options. If something heads in a direction, and you don't want to be a part of that conversation, you can leave that conversation.
Sometimes that's all you can do, but hey, that's a lot. That's part of setting boundaries and an intention for yourself. You know your spouse, you know the family situations. Most of what's happened in the past is going to happen again. People rarely change their behavior. They rarely actively engage in ways to improve their behavior and do better. So if you see what's going to happen, make a plan for yourself.
Julie Morgan:
I'm saying this, and I know that it's easier said than done, because once someone starts to say certain things, you want to defend yourself verbally. I totally understand that it's easier said than done, but we are in control of our own actions.
Heather Quick:
It's true, except when you're intoxicated. That's why that's important to recognize, yourself, if you can control your behaviors and actions. Then if you replay that event later and think I did a good job. I did the best that I could, but I removed myself from a situation that had the potential to escalate.
Julie Morgan:
What is the saying? Loose lips sink ships?
Heather Quick:
Oh, so good. You did not even get tongue tied like I do when I try to use too many rhyming words.
Julie Morgan:
That's just this one time.
Another strategy is, to focus on the kids. Focus on the children. I like that one.
Heather Quick:
Yes. That's a good way. When we talk about setting an intention, I think that's great. What do I want my children to remember about this holiday? This is what I'm going to do. What do I want my parents, who maybe are elderly, to remember about this holiday? How can I show up to facilitate that?
I think that's great. If you have to remove yourself from a situation so that your children are going to be able to enjoy part of it a little bit better, then maybe you should do that. Not make it all about you having to be there. If you think that is helpful and for the best of everybody, including yourself, I think that's okay, too.
Julie Morgan:
It takes a strong person to come to that conclusion, though.
Heather Quick:
It does. Again, I'm just saying that's where you start, though. Having an intention about how am I going to make this the best for my kids? That can look so many different ways for so many different families in different situations, but it's a great place to start.
Also, not only making it something they're going to want to remember, but something that I know how I can be my best self.
Again, very challenging things to do. But that's how we grow, is challenging ourselves and having that opportunity to exit an unfulfilling marriage and become better. That's what we all want. Don't go repeat the same thing. Nobody wants to repeat the same mistakes, or show up the same way every time. This is an opportunity to say, all right, I can play this one way, or I can really set an intention to grow through this experience and show up as the person who I really want to be, and who I want my children to see during these holidays.
If that requires baking pies with your in-laws and smiling and going through it, well, then maybe you do that.
Julie Morgan:
Something else I thought about, as far as focusing on the children, let's say that your tradition may be to go to the in-laws, or it may be to have something at your house. What if this one year, you decide to go to Disney World, and that's where you spend the holiday.
That kind of takes the pressure off, and that's really focusing on the children. Though, I love Disney World, too.
Heather Quick:
I don't think there's a wrong answer, I really don't. Just because we have always done it one way doesn't mean there aren't opportunities.
Again, though, be careful. That could set up this whole "Disney at Christmas" and then you drop the bomb afterwards. I don't know. You have to question that yourself. Is that the right way to do it?
Understand though, we're all doing the best we can, because what could very well happen, especially if you're in a divorce, or maybe you've already separated and you've agreed this is how we're going to divide the holidays. If your spouse were to take the kids to Disney, without you, understand that's what he's trying to do. I don't think it's good or bad, it's just a way to divert attention and enjoy your time together. So I'm not sure on that, but I don't think there are far more worse things you could do.
Julie Morgan:
Don't take my advice. I know nothing, people.
Heather Quick:
That's not true. That's what you're doing. I'm just saying, you never know. I don't know. Disney is a wonderful place, it's magical. I don't know.
Julie Morgan:
I was just thinking it does possibly fall under the category of "doing too much," but I was trying to think of something else that you could do, so you could take the focus off of the two of you, and really focus on the children, because I'm sure that's something that they would love.
Heather Quick:
Yes, but I wouldn't say going as a whole family, and then you're splitting up the next month. To me, no, but I'm not a counselor, either. I would say that's going too far.
Julie Morgan:
Gotcha.
Heather Quick:
I don't know, I wouldn't do that. I could see if one parent did versus another for part of that holiday. I can understand that.
Julie Morgan:
Okay.
Heather Quick:
Not at all as pretending we're going to be this happy family. To me, I don't know.
I know everybody makes their own individual decisions that they think are best. If it's like, this is the best way for us to avoid being with a lot of extended family, that we might not be able to hold it together. I do understand that.
Julie Morgan:
Something that I've gotten out of this, it's really what works for your family.
Heather Quick:
Right. It's with these intentions. Recognizing this might be stressful. This might be difficult. How can I intentionally make some good choices that will benefit all of us and not take our situation to a worse level?
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group.
Today's topic, "Holidays in an Unhappy Marriage."
When we return, we're going to talk about more strategies to survive the holidays. Stay with us.
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Today's topic, "Holidays in an Unhappy Marriage."
Heather, we've been talking about the strategies to survive the holidays in an unhappy marriage. This next strategy: one day at a time. Just take it very slowly.
Heather Quick:
Yes. It takes everything we've talked about thus far in the show, and really narrows it down to, just get through one day at a time, and not worry too much about what's coming versus what I need to do now. That can be hard, to be in the moment, not the past, and not be worried about the future. In the moment, and enjoy what is right in front of you.
Julie Morgan:
Yes, that's kind of difficult on any given day, but then when you throw this in, yeah, I can definitely see that. Basically it's about focusing your energy on one day at a time. Not next week, not next month, not next year. Right now.
Heather Quick:
Yes. Part of what I mentioned earlier, like being grateful, enjoying all the good things. I get it. There's a lot of stuff that goes on, but really being grateful. I just believe this, I am absolutely a glass half-full and that everything happens for us, and we just have to find that opportunity.
There's going to be some family members that you should be happy to connect with, hopefully, that you can have a nice conversation with. Enjoy every day, but don't get too hyped up about what could go wrong or what's coming tomorrow, to the extent that you can. Then you can enjoy what's there in front of you and be focused in the moment.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, because the holidays really presents itself with a time that you get to spend time with your friends and other family members, so you could focus on that.
Heather Quick:
Indeed.
Julie Morgan:
Good distractions.
Heather Quick:
Yes.
Julie Morgan:
Don't spend it stressing about what's going to happen and all these issues. The holidays are stressful, that in and of itself is stressful, and then you're adding to the stress by focusing on the negative.
Heather Quick:
Yes. You don't want to do that. You want to focus on the positive.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, I like the way you said that you are a glass half-full person. This is something that you try to practice daily?
Heather Quick:
I do. The keyword there is "practice" because that is what we're doing. We're practicing this. I'm certainly not perfect at it.
When we know there's a time that's coming, if you can have that ability to get intentional about your focus, I think you're going to be better. Again, that's part of what we're talking about, is knowing one day at a time, and I can show up as my best self, if I choose to.
I'm hopeful that for anybody listening to this, it gives them just that right amount of time to have reflection, to think about it. When we haven't realized that this might be an issue, is when you get knocked off your guard. Then you didn't have an opportunity to be intentional about how you're going to show up during this time.
Julie Morgan:
This is interesting. Trying to focus on the positive, you can try to incorporate that in your life ahead of the holidays, and then it'll hopefully make it just that much easier, after and beyond.
Heather Quick:
Right. We talked about this earlier, not aiming for perfection. That just doesn't exist. If you're aiming for perfection, you're going to end up with less than that because it doesn't exist. There's nothing perfect.
If you make an intention that, I'm not going to contribute to any conflict. I'm not going to contribute to any drama. I'm going to intentionally try to have a plan for how I'm going to enjoy, and be grateful for, this holiday and the time together. That's a huge step in the right direction.
Julie Morgan:
Yes. One step, one day, at a time.
You just mentioned, "don't aim for perfection," and those Hallmark movies make it difficult.
Heather Quick:
They do, but keep in mind, they have drama. It's TV, so they're adding in drama, adding in all this other stuff, and we know it's not real. Those ideals, or this idea of how it should be, might not be the healthiest.
Julie Morgan:
Certainly not. Especially not if that's something you're going to try to focus on, and then you're going to say, "Well, I'm not living up to that."
Heather Quick:
Right, because then you're going to make yourself feel bad and that's not what this is about. We're trying to help you be strong during the holidays. You're either in an unhappy marriage, you're contemplating divorce, or maybe already started the process and it's still something that you guys haven't shared with anyone.
We put, sometimes, as women particularly, so many expectations on ourself. That unnecessary stress. If you can evaluate what stress externally related to these holidays is going to make it worse, then maybe this year, I don't know, everybody has different traditions, don't make a huge Christmas meal. Maybe order it out, or get some pre-made stuff. Put it in your own dish, put it in the oven, and remove some things that add to that stress.
It may not be your ideal, or perfect, but you've at least tried to limit those things you know are going to make it harder for you. You're actually having some patience with yourself, as well as your spouse. They may be experiencing these holidays differently, but they're still being faced with challenges, that are different from yours. I would imagine, you guys are going through this together, you're both aware, you're unhappy, both planning for a divorce or in the middle of a divorce, and if neither one of you have navigated through this before, you don't really have an example, you're not sure. How do we do this the best?
Julie Morgan:
I didn't even think about that. That's a way to alleviate some stress, and not aiming for perfection. If that is your normal routine, the tradition for you to cook a big meal, don't do that. Let someone else do that work, and you can focus on something else. I didn't think about that.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. I think that it's important to at least try.
Julie Morgan:
Try to look for ways to do little things like that to help you out.
Heather Quick:
Exactly. I know you're like, "Why do I have to do one more thing and be nice and try to be patient?"
At the end of the day, all of these intentions and ideas are to help you. Sometimes we feel like, I don't want to have to do that, but the whole point is really for you to feel less stressed. For you to feel as though you didn't just survive the holidays, you really showed up in a great way and you don't regret the way you acted, because that really, at the end of the day, affects you the most, right?
Julie Morgan:
Something you said, it's not just survive, but when you said that to try to thrive during that time, it's really going to help you.
That brings us to the next point, the next strategy. Something you mentioned briefly earlier, but, it's to take care of yourself.
Heather Quick:
Exactly. I'll tell you; I think that's hard, always, during the season. The holidays, everybody getting their hair done, getting their nails done, all these things, and you're running around. Those are the things that you do that make you feel better or more relaxed. Maybe you go get a massage.
If you can intentionally carve out some time for yourself, I think that you're stronger. Not just exercise, which I do believe helps eliminate a lot of stress, but also getting a good amount of sleep. Maybe this is a good time of the year to incorporate a little bit of meditation or contemplation for yourself.
And breathing. That may sound silly, but I find myself, in times of stress, Julie, that I don't breathe really deeply. That's why it does not have to be this monumental thing that you do.
I think so many of us, and I speak mostly from experience, my friends, and family, we're just going so fast. In this time of year that's supposed to be about family, and gratitude, and being together, which all of those things are feeling stressed by an unhappy marriage and divorce proceedings, so therefore, just taking some moments and breathing. That will give you a little bit more perspective so that you can be stronger, because you're going to need to be a little bit stronger this year.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Breathing, that is important. Let's say you are in a stressful or nervous type of situation. You may realize that you have not taken a breath. It sounds odd, but that is so true. When I work with clients with public speaking, I'm like, "You know you didn't breathe, right?"
It does help to clear your mind.
Heather Quick:
It does. It's one of these things that, for me, sometimes it's by having somebody say, "Hey, I noticed you stopped breathing." Then I'm like, oh, I did. I sure did. So, I'm aware of it myself. That's why I brought that up. Luckily, I don't have to remind myself, I keep breathing regardless, but the deep breathing, like a deep breath, really reset. It does. I know there's science behind it. It's something to do with the autonomic nervous system and it calms you and helps you focus.
It's important. It can be that simple during these times. I know, and I bet you've heard this before, Julie, I've said it and it's been said to me before during a situation, take a deep breath. Slow down. Take a deep breath before you're about to do something you might not want to do.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. It really does. It clears your mind. It makes things just that easier to see, easier to visualize. It really does.
Heather Quick:
It does.
Julie Morgan:
Earlier you mentioned, if you're not used to doing things like that, taking those deep breaths that you need, there are apps out there to help you with that.
Heather Quick:
Indeed. They help. I have certainly been one to use those apps for breathing help.
Julie Morgan:
Another thing I thought about is downtime. Part of downtime, I feel like, would be taking yourself away from social media. Letting it go for a few days a week. It will do your body good.
Heather Quick:
Oh, yeah. Social media detox, most definitely. You are absolutely right. I think that is a very important thing to do, Julie. Again, that screen time, things like that, that will also improve your sleep.
Julie Morgan:
Yes. If you wake up and the first thing you pick up is your phone, yes, you probably need a detox.
Heather Quick:
I would agree. I think I'm going to do that. Let's see. We'll have to talk about that next time.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, that's difficult, Heather. That is very difficult.
Heather Quick:
I know. It's easy to talk about this stuff. It's when you got to go do it, that you feel the challenge. There's no doubt.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah, because social media, your phone, all of these, it's tied to your personal life. It could be tied to your job. I mean, it is very difficult to do, but it can be done. It can be managed.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely can be managed.
Julie Morgan:
Anything else, Heather? Any parting words?
Heather Quick:
No. I think I really just want to say to anybody who is in the middle of the divorce, thinking about divorce, to please reach out to us at Florida Women's Law Group. We are here to help you. Or reach out on Women Winning Divorce, because we do understand. We get it, it's tough, but we are here to help you through this process so that it is the best that it can be for you.
Julie Morgan:
Until next time, Heather.
Heather Quick:
All right. Julie, thank you so very much.
Julie Morgan:
Thank you for listening to Women Winning Divorce. We hope you found information to help you navigate your divorce.
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