In today’s episode, Heather Quick, shares how to have the divorce conversation. She covers the topics of what to do before you talk to him, how to plan for the conversation and then have the conversation.
"Women Winning Divorce" is a radio show and podcast hosted by Heather Quick, CEO and Owner of Florida Women's Law Group. Each week we focus on different aspects of family law to help guide women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges they are facing. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Join Heather each week as she discusses family law issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation and more. This program was created to provide tips and insight to women with family law issues. It is not intended to be legal advice because every situation is different. Visit us at https://www.womenwinningdivorce.com/ for more resources. Text us at 904-944-6800 for a copy of Heather's Top 5 Divorce Tips. If you have questions or a topic you would like Heather to cover, email us at marketing@4womenlaw.com
Women Winning Divorce
Episode 31
Having the Divorce Conversation
Julie Morgan:
Welcome to Women Winning Divorce with your host, Heather Quick. Heather brings over 20 years of law experience that advocates and empowers women to achieve happier and healthier lives. Each week we provide knowledge and guidance on different aspects of family law to help lead women through the difficult and emotional legal challenges that they are facing. Listen in as she discusses issues including divorce, custody, alimony, paternity, narcissism, mediation, and other family law issues to provide insight on the journey of women winning divorce. Welcome to the show. I'm Julie Morgan, and I'm joined by your host, Heather Quick.
How are you doing, Heather?
Heather Quick:
I am wonderful, Julie. How are you today?
Julie Morgan:
I'm doing very well. I have a friend, and her son is going into the second grade. Yeah, and she sends me a picture of him for every grade level like pre-K, kindergarten, first grade, second grade, but they just moved away to Pennsylvania, so I can't see him before he goes to school, and so this picture is very precious to me. Yeah.
Heather Quick:
Oh. That's so exciting. That's wonderful.
Julie Morgan:
Yes. My little boy that I can give back to his real parents anytime. I'm thinking about that because I know it's school time. Oh my goodness.
Heather Quick:
That's right.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. Today's topic, how to have the divorce conversation. This is probably really hard. Am I right?
Heather Quick:
Yes. This is going to be a difficult conversation. This is a good topic to talk about because it's a question so many women want to know, how to do it. Especially because they want to initiate this, they want to have this conversation. But how?
Julie Morgan:
We're thinking about this. This is a serious conversation. This is a serious topic. I can't just leave a note or a text message, right?
Heather Quick:
I would say not. I don't think that's going to get a response that you're looking for. I don't see any benefit to that at all.
Julie Morgan:
And being a little tipsy, probably not a good idea?
Heather Quick:
Very bad idea. You're going to probably say things that you shouldn't, and things could escalate. I think this is more of an adult, sober conversation that you may not be all the way sure, but you're really considering it. There could be so many places you might be in, various women would be in, where they want to have this conversation. I think that's why this is a good topic because you really want to have some advice that's going to help you, and it's not the same advice for everybody because there are going to be different situations for some women and maybe, some women, they really just shouldn't have the conversation at all.
Julie Morgan:
You really need to set the tone before you even have the conversation. You really need to think about it yourself so you can be in the right frame of mind.
Heather Quick:
I think so. I think that you want to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it because if you're considering how to have this conversation, then I am just going to presume that you and your husband are pretty amicable and there's no violence, there's no concerns of any abuse or financial abuse, and you don't have any concerns about that, and you just want to have the conversation.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. Wait a minute. I didn't even think about any of that. I really need to think about everything before I approach this conversation.
Heather Quick:
I think so. Very often, women will have met with an attorney prior to this conversation because this comes up sometimes in our consult. This could be like, I want to talk about this with him, but I've already talked to a lawyer. Or this is a discussion that's coming out of counseling together or whatever and you think this is not working. I think we need to maybe separate. I think it's a similar conversation. In your mind you think this is a divorce conversation, and it maybe it's final, but there should be some conversations prior to that that would be similar like, maybe we separate or divorce. That's not a fight. It's a conversation, and that might be hard to navigate if things are really not in a good space.
Julie Morgan:
Okay, Heather, there are so many places that I could go with this. Okay. All right. Let's take a step back, though. One thing that I think about that's probably important is, when I'm thinking about the conversation, what I'm going to do before I talk to him, I'm going to probably think about his feelings. That's important. You may not like him, but there's still a level of respect that you need to have. Am I right?
Heather Quick:
You can. I mean, I don't know. So, Julie, from my perspective, okay, I'm just going to say it. If you're going to have this conversation, sure, you can be concerned with his feelings, but I advise you to first be concerned about yourself in some pretty basic, important ways. What I mean is do you have access to money? Is your husband the type of man who's going to just cancel the credit cards and try to move money out of the bank? If so, then don't have that conversation until you've made sure you have access to money that he can't keep you from at least for the next 90 days. I know you're looking shocked, girl. I can't even believe you're looking shocked that I would say this and that this would happen, after all this time together.
Julie Morgan:
Okay, Heather, seriously... You guys, you can't see us. I'm over here. I'm just laughing because, I mean, I'm thinking, "All right, I didn't even go there." I'm thinking, "Okay, first of all, I need to think about his feelings before I tell him." That's what I'm thinking, but, no, you're planning this even before you get to that part.
Heather Quick:
Yes, you want to be respectful and kind, sure. Okay, but let's be smart first. And I'm not talking to be hateful or vengeful, but let's be smart and strategic because I just want you to know and ladies know, if it's reversed, he's being smart and strategic, and he's not that worried. He might be worried about your feelings, but he's more worried about his money than his feelings, so don't think he hadn't thought that through. That's all I'm bringing to the forefront because I have seen it happen that way. What I've told women on many occasions is I really don't want you to come back and say, 'Oh, Heather, you were right. I should have listened." I know I'm right, so try not to get yourself in that situation.
There are some men you have that conversation, and they're just going to be so angry, and all of a sudden, the money's moved, and you don't have access to the savings. It can happen pretty quickly, and you're shocked. That's what I'm trying to tell these ladies. Don't be shocked and don't be naive about the person that you are married to who you know way better than I do. I'm just telling you this is possible. If you hear it and go, "Oh, yeah. He would do that," okay. Then, this is more about seeing a lawyer first and then talk to us about if this is a good idea how to have this conversation and how you prepare yourself first.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. Well, okay, Heather. Wait a minute. This really involves so much more than what I have been thinking about. You went to money. Okay, wait a minute. So, is this basically making sure that you have, I don't know, your escape plan in place before?
Heather Quick:
Exactly. Just have a contingency plan. There are so many different women listening to this. There are the ones who are listening and it's resonating, and they're like, "That. Yes, I can envision that happening," and there are others who are like, "Nah, he's just not that kind of person and, plus, I have my own money. We're set. I'm fine. I have plenty of access to funds. I'm not worried about it," and so that's why I want to speak to both extremes.
Then, there are people in the middle who might be like, "Well, I'm not sure, but I might as well be smart and set myself up, make sure I'm good, in case he really takes it badly," and that's why I do think it's important, and therapists, they will start out with about the feelings and the respect, and then I'll say, Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What about this? and then they'll see that other side. It's just presenting both sides. Yes. In the ideal, mature, respectful world, they'll have a very nice adult conversation, and no one's going to raise their voice, and we're going to just consciously uncouple and just be so civilized. And that is great.
I know there are people who can do that, and they do, and they don't have as much interaction with attorneys as others where there's a little bit more contention. Both are great things to do. I would feel as though I set many women up on a wrong path if we just talked about, "Let's plan the conversation," which there's a lot of great things to say about that and be in a public place, but kind of quiet, but a place where you feel safe if that's an issue, and maybe where you know won't raise your voice or carry on, and maybe he won't so that maybe the two of you can hear each other.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. Wait. Okay. Wait a minute. Let's go back, because I said it's probably not good if you do it by text message or by a note. It sounds like, for some people, that actually may be better.
Heather Quick:
Well, there are some relationships where, and I tell them just let us serve him. You don't have to have that conversation. Now, the conversation with a spouse and the kids, that's a different story. That's another topic that we're not touching on today.We've met with so many women at the firm over the years. I have heard over the years; people have fights, and they throw divorce around a lot.
When you hear those facts, particularly from a woman, I'll say, well, is he really going to believe you? Because how many times have you threatened this and done nothing? And they're going to say, a lot. And I'm going to say, in my experience, men expect you to do the same thing that you always done. If you've never done it before they're going to be shocked, and they're not going to believe you. So, if you're doing this, well, I'm divorcing you, to elicit a reaction or as part of a pattern of prior arguments or fights, it's going to be ineffective. It's going to be completely ineffective unless you are in front of a counselor and really trying to deescalate the conversation and have him hear you. But you better plan to take action or why waste your time, if you're not really moving forward with a divorce.
Julie Morgan:
Okay, Heather. Then you know what? We start our conversations. And I think they're going to go one way and then you totally throw me a curve ball, and they go a different way. I like it.
Heather Quick:
Well, I know. I like to keep you on your toes and bring some spontaneity to this. But the reality is you might think you know exactly what Heather's going to say. I'll just tell you, what goes on in this brain... Shoot. You don't even want to try to guess how I'm thinking through stuff. I'm telling you it's a wild place up there. I just have a lot of different ways and sometimes, it does need to be through service. Sometimes, it needs to be with a counselor. That's only going to really be effective if you've been in marriage counseling before.
Julie Morgan:
Okay, hold on. You said sometimes it could be in person or sometimes with a counselor. If you could say that part again.
Heather Quick:
Sometimes, the relationship is such that I would advise, to not have the conversation. Hire an attorney, and he can be served with papers, and then he'll know you're serious. That might be the best for a lot of people. Others, maybe if you've been in counseling, because otherwise if you invite him to a counseling session, I don't know if that will be effective, but it might be. Again, it goes back to what we talked about, I think, last week. What kind of communication do the two of you have and how effectively are you going to be able to communicate what is going to happen in the future? Ideally, if you two are in that good space with good communication, that can be face-to-face. We'll talk about that a little bit more in the conversation, but I felt like it was important to say for some, that is not probably going to benefit you.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. We're going to take a quick break here, but when we return, we're going to talk more about this conversation, planning it out, and hopefully, Heather will not throw another curve ball. Stay with us.
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. Heather, okay. You threw me a curve ball in segment one of this. Okay. Now, you said that you shouldn't do this when you've been tipsy, you're tipsy or angry or too emotional. What about a big event? You should probably try to avoid that, right?
Heather Quick:
Yes, or holidays, because although that stress level may push you to the point where you think I can't keep it in anymore. Then it is like this surprise, you blurt it out. You didn't really think it through. Again, you need to have your plan in place and be prepared for that. I just think that he won't take it seriously. And so, therefore, you question, why are you having this conversation? Because you are expecting a certain result. Well, let's talk about the result you're expecting. I think it helps you plan it. If you do it on a holiday or a big event and just tell him before you walk in, by the way, I want a divorce. I mean, what do you expect from that? You're not going to get a great response. I think he's not going to take you seriously. It could end up just being a fight and not really something that's productive.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. But Heather, what if you need that protection? Does that make sense? So, if you need the protection of people being around, and you're hoping that this is going to soften that part. Does that make sense?
Heather Quick:
It does. But I'm telling you, if you think you need people around to have this conversation, then you don't need to have the conversation. You just need to hire an attorney and have him served if you are that fearful, and I don't care if it's just all you and you can't do it, that's okay. But clearly, there's something going on there that is making you that way. Who's to say he deserves a conversation about this? I don't know, I've read a lot about it, and there's all these nice things and ways to do it. But I think the reality is that you have to think about more than just, I need to be respectful and nice to him. I think you need to think about the reality of your situation.
If you think you can't have this conversation without people there for support, that's just a really bad decision. Now, you've invited a lot of comments and opinions into this event, your life, that they don't belong there. They're not going to help guide you. you're not thinking clearly if you think that is a good idea, Then, you're just not really in reality.
Julie Morgan:
And another thing I thought about. You could possibly have a relationship because you kind of mentioned this. You could have a relationship where, at these big events, you say, "You know what I'm getting rid of you," and that's just your way. And so, he may not take you seriously.
Heather Quick:
Right. Again, it's what truly is your outcome? What do you hope to happen out of this conversation? Because I think many women have this conversation, and they want him to beg them not to do it And that's their pattern. That's okay. Just recognize, understand, if that's what you want, okay. I mean, there are probably other ways therapists or somebody would tell you to do it. I'd even tell you that's probably not the most effective way, but what are you hoping the outcome to be from this conversation? That's a great place to start because then we can really map it out. Okay. So, let's say you're outcome, why you want to have this conversation is because you want him to say, "Yeah honey. You're right. This hasn't been working for either of us, so just tell me everything you want, and I will sign it over to you, and I'll walk away quietly."
I mean, who doesn't want that outcome? So, do we think this conversation is going to produce that? I don't know. I don't know your husband, but hey if you think it will, go for It. If you think he's that just chill and whatever, okay, then try to have that conversation. But if you think having this conversation, he's going to say, "Oh. Okay, hon. So, you just want me to move out, and then we're going to have a divorce, and I'm going to be okay with it," I just don't see that happening all that often. I think women need to question what they're hoping to achieve by this. If they are just like, "Well, I just want to let them know I'm done," okay. I think that's fair, let's figure out how to have that conversation.
Julie Morgan:
So, if someone has come to your office, if they've made the appointment, come to your office ahead of time, do you walk them through this? Do you talk about, "How are you going to have this conversation with him?"
Heather Quick:
Sometimes we do, depending on what they present to us. Some women will say they've been talking about it, and they’re done. I'll say, then just serve him. I mean, if you're really expecting a positive response, I think you're kind of fooling yourself unless you guys have been doing a lot of therapy and you have been communicating and you're kind of both on the same page. But if not, like I said, because I think many men, if you haven't done it before, they're not going to expect it, just be realistic about what you think his reaction will be. You know him. And so, we do talk about that. We absolutely talk about that when they come to our office, because many times, we will advise not to have that conversation because of all the things we talked about before, finances, safety.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. So, I think about this. And so, if you've walked them through this conversation and if they do decide to have the conversation, you should probably not say my attorney said, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
Heather Quick:
Agreed, I don't think that is ever a great way to start a sentence if you're looking for a positive, amicable response. I mean, that just puts somebody on the defensive. They're going to probably be defensive anyway. We're having this conversation and saying, this isn't working. I want us to move forward with a divorce. Write that down. "This isn't working. I want us to move forward with a divorce. I think we should both hire attorneys and do this as sensibly as we can and continue to have respect for one another." Particularly if you have children, but just the emotional toll that takes for that to be unnecessary. But that's pretty much it. You've made the decision and you say that. Understand that you know your husband, but he may be like, "Okay," and get up and walk away and be like, "I don't need to talk about it. That's what you told me. I'm out."
I think a lot of having the conversation, that's why the outcome that you're expecting or anticipate is really important because you may be shocked that he is like, "Okay, I'll get an attorney. I'll let you know," and walks away. I mean, that could happen. I mean, many people, they have to process. I don't think that's a bad reaction. I think that's probably a typical reaction of a lot of men, I think that's perfectly normal and calm. It's just still a shock, like I've said. So, don't be surprised if there's just not a lot of conversation if you're clear and direct.
I mean, if you're going to narrate the whole marriage and all the reasons it didn't work, that's not going to get a good reaction. I think that's a really terrible idea. If that's what you want to do, I think that is more for therapy. I don't think sitting there narrating everything that's wrong is the way to have this conversation because we're talking about the divorce conversation. So, at the end of the game, that doesn't matter. You want a divorce. Why do you need to justify that decision? That can be a complete sentence. "I want a divorce."
Julie Morgan:
Okay.
Heather Quick:
Julie, now you look stressed.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, I am stressed, and I'm not even going through this. I'm just like, this is stressful. It's stressful to me just hearing about it because, okay, this is another thing I thought about. You said, "Think about his reaction," right? What if you have someone that is controlling, and they're a narcissist? I mean, what in the world?
Heather Quick:
Keep your mouth shut. Hire your attorney, and let us serve him. That's what you do.
Julie Morgan:
Heather, it's just that simple, huh?
Heather Quick:
Yes, it is, and that will cause you less grief. There's nothing good that's going to come out of telling him. There are certain personalities, controlling and manipulative. What do you think they're going to do? They're going lock you out of everything.Then, they're probably going to go hire an attorney and be ready to serve you and come on the attack. Don't have the conversation. I'm telling you. It's just not going to end the way you're dreaming in fantasy land. It's not going to happen.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. Well, tell me this. Before I even get to the point of the conversation with him, do you suggest... I already know the answer to this, or I think I know the answer to this. Do you suggest talking to your best friend about it?
Heather Quick:
I guess that depends again on what are you looking for in that? Are you looking for validation? Are you looking for advice, or do you just want some support emotionally? I mean, I think the marriage is between the two of you. Of course, I hope that everybody has some type of support that they could lean on. Now, I would suggest that if they're advising you on how to do it, that you make sure this is advice that you want. Or if they're advising you and you didn't ask, remember you didn't ask for advice. But out of love, they're trying to help you, you have to filter that. I mean, certainly if you told your best friend, that's one thing, but don't tell everybody before you tell him, because then, they’re going to find out, and you've avoided the point, and you're just being passive aggressive. I just don't think that's a good strategy.
Julie Morgan:
I was thinking that, okay, so what if you went the wrong way, you did this the wrong way, and it gets back to him? That could be really bad.
Heather Quick:
Yeah. I mean, it's just going to be uncomfortable. Again, what's your objective with telling all these people? It's to get him to have the conversation because you're too scared to have it. So, don't have it, just hire an attorney for heaven sakes. I mean, don't go around doing all this nonsense that's not going to be helpful to you, that's not going to help you move through this. I know there may be some people thinking, "Oh my gosh, that's so hardcore to serve him." But doing that is worse, talking about with a bunch of other people and not him. A process server's just a process server. If you are unable to have an adult conversation, a grown-up conversation with your husband about this because of your history, because of how you both are in the relationship, it doesn't matter. No judgment there. But if you can't, you can't, or you don't think you can. From my standpoint, I'm like, then, don't. It's okay.
Because if you guys haven't been in therapy and you don't want to go to therapy, you're not trying to have this conversation because you just don't think you can with him, I think that's okay. I think that is going to be some of our listeners. Then, they're going to be a lot of our listeners that say we can have this conversation. The first thing is, think about what outcome you want from that? And is that a realistic outcome knowing your husband and the relationship the two of you have? So, that's all. Don't expect somebody new to show up when you have this conversation that's not the person you've been married to for the past 10 years. I mean, that's just, again, really kind of the definition of insanity. You have a good sense of how it's going to be.
Julie Morgan:
So, it sounds like you're saying that you need to be realistic with yourself.
Heather Quick:
I think so. I think that's very helpful because then, you aren't creating a whole thing that really didn't need to happen that way. We talk about planning the conversation. Play it out in your head. You should hopefully, and maybe that's the reason you want a divorce, you don't know him at all. So, then you don't know what he's going to do, but hopefully, you would have a sense. Play that out in your head and think, maybe I need to do something differently. What if he just says, okay, I'll get an attorney. Has that taken the wind out of your sails, you wanted some big undying profession of love and begging you not to do it. But then he just said OK, I'm out of here.
Then, again, I don't mean to minimize the emotions and everything going through with this brings, but again, ask yourself, "What is my goal with this?" Because there are a lot of goals that we may have as the one initiating this conversation or a lot of outcomes that aren't really going to benefit either party. If you’re using it, or you're hoping to have this conversation, and he professes his undying love and promises to do all these things. I mean, you kind of know if you think that's going to happen. So, then play out, how are you going to react to that? Or how are you going to react if he doesn't. If you really think he's going to do that, and he doesn't, are you okay with that? Because you should. Because you're saying, I want a divorce.
This isn't the conversation where you say I'm thinking about a divorce. Do you want to get a divorce? That's not what we're talking about. This is you've made the decision; you know you want a divorce. So, therefore let's talk about what you think he's going to say, what you want him to say. Then, we can talk about the actual conversation.
Julie Morgan:
You're listening to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. We're going to take a quick break here. And when we return, we will continue this conversation about the conversation. Stay with us.
Welcome back to Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, owner and attorney of Florida Women's Law Group. So Heather, the conversation. Alrighty. So, we talked about not doing this on a big holiday or a big event, that type of thing. Also make sure the kids aren't around. Right?
Heather Quick:
Oh, absolutely. This is a grown-up, adult conversation that should just be between the two of you. And that will help keep you focused on the conversation.
Julie Morgan:
And it would also be a bad time for them to find out.
Heather Quick:
Exactly, that's a whole other episode, but yes. When that's avoidable, you want to avoid it. Sometimes people argue. The kids are there. Things are said. But for what we're talking about in this conversation, that is going to be a calm, thought-out conversation. You do not want your children there. So, you might not want to be at your house if they may be, and you think, they're all outside playing. No. You know how kids are, as soon as adults lower their voice and have a conversation, they're all in your business. So, you need to know that will likely happen. I don't care if they're asleep. They'll wake up, and they're going to need something. And then, you may get distracted and not really finish what you are intending to do.
Julie Morgan:
So, earlier in segments one and two, you said, "This is the conversation. 'I want a divorce.' Those four words." So, what is this the time not to do, if that makes sense?
Heather Quick:
Well, it does. I touched on it in the last episode. You're not asking for permission to divorce him. You don't need his permission. Your word choice is important because if you go into this with the idea that we're just going to talk about divorce, then that's not this conversation because that is a counseling conversation. This is a, "I've made up my mind. I want a divorce. And this is how I hope it goes." Not an argument, not a plea-bargaining type thing. This is a clear statement of your intention.
Julie Morgan:
And so, it's also not the time to say, "All right, so this is what I want. I want alimony. I want this. I want that," because you're throwing a lot at them at that point.
Heather Quick:
Correct, I think the clearer you can be and succinct on that because that's a lot to process in and of itself. We have talked about this. You've been thinking about this. You've built up the courage to have this conversation. You're listening to this. I mean, you're planning this out. They are hearing it for the first time, so don't overload them because then that turns into negotiations about the divorce. So, I don't think this is the time to talk about the house, the kids, alimony. This is time say, I want a divorce. And I'd like you to leave, to move out or whatever. Everything will work out. We will work everything out. I mean, that's an ideal situation, I will tell you, but it can happen.
But I don't think this is time to say, “I'm going to have the kids all the time. You can have them every other weekend, but I want all the holidays," all these things that... It's not the right time to talk about that. It's more about, "I want a divorce. I want us to go through this acting like responsible adults. Let's get attorneys and move through this process." I think the more focus you can stay on that, the better off you'll be, because that'll be hard. Those are going to be hard words to say. They are. They're going to be hard words to say, even though you've decided you’re done. If you're going to have this conversation, it's going to be difficult. And so, I think that the narrower you are, I think you're going to achieve the outcome you want, which is to let him know that you want a divorce. Then, you guys are going to begin to do what you need to do to move that forward.
Julie Morgan:
So, something you mentioned in an earlier segment is that he may say, possibly, I mean, you know who you're married to, "Okay," and that's it, but is that generally what will happen? I mean, there could be anger and a whole host of other emotions, right?
Heather Quick:
Well, correct. If you anticipate those, if your husband's an angry guy or, you guys have had heated arguments in the past, then go with my other advice, don't have the conversation. But it could be the husband that they may be very emotional because they haven't gotten probably as far along in the process as you. But if you are having this conversation, I'm going to presuppose you guys have some decent kind of communication, an ability to talk with one another, but he's going to have to process this and the grief. There is grief, anger, denial, all of those things that he's going to go through very likely, maybe not at that point, but it could get emotional in a sad way. That would be normal, but that is just likely to happen. I think you need to be prepared for that and not go to comfort him and make it all better.
Julie Morgan:
Okay. So, well I had another question. Let me ask you this. Okay? Because when you said don’t go comfort him and make it all, "It's going to be okay," or whatever. That could just change things right there in an instant.
Heather Quick:
That would be my advice. I mean, if this is what we're doing, then let's do it and handle it in a respectful way, not cold, but don't find yourself in bed with them trying to comfort. I mean, I just think that's going in the opposite direction.
Julie Morgan:
Right, right. That's what I was thinking. Okay. So, hold on. What about this? Okay. So, I wonder how many people they've presented their spouse with this and say, "Okay, I want a divorce." And then he says, "Well, I've been waiting on this. Here's the papers."
Heather Quick:
Okay. That made laugh. Maybe. We can talk about all the sadness and all that because that's kind of what you're going to imagine. But what if he's like, "Oh, thank goodness. Gosh, I'm ready." So, be prepared for that because you know what? Sometimes, I think we're thinking, we're going to let him down easy and this could be so hard. What if he's relieved? Okay. Be okay with that.
Julie Morgan:
Mm-hmm.
Heather Quick:
You know what I mean? This may not be this whole dramatic showdown of him begging to have you back. He may be like, "Okay, yeah. This is good. I was thinking the same thing." So then because you didn't expect that don’t get angry with him. Because that makes no sense, right?
No, doesn't at all. That's why, with this, you may have it all planned out that you're going to break up with him, and you're going to be very considerate of his feelings. What if he is happy and okay with it? Be prepared for that. Now, I'm not saying that those are his true emotions, but you just, I mean, this is going to be big news. It's different than when you just break up with somebody. I mean, I remember, and that was years and years ago, young adolescent and in college and breaking up with somebody. And you think, "Oh my gosh, he's going to be devastated." They're like, "Okay, whatever." That may be how he's going to cope with his emotions because, I've already told you, if you think it's going to be a fight, don't do it.
You're just setting things up to be very potentially dangerous. And I'm so very serious about this, and that's why I say, just don't even do it. I'll ask them, does he have guns? Does he ever have weapons? Has he ever said anything? Don't put yourself in that situation. We've all seen too many things in the papers and in the news, and it's not worth it. It's not. If you think you owe him all this, you don't. I don't think so. Not for your safety. That is something where you need objective insight on that because you may not recognize how bad it could go, and I'm telling you, it does. And it can. If he's really sad and you think he might go that way, well, all right. Be prepared for that and be prepared to be strong and compassionate, but not too compassionate.
I mean, you're actually being more genuine and caring for somebody if you're just being honest, but not giving them false compassion and telling them, everything's going to be okay. That's just my point of view. I think that the more straightforward you can be and not detached, but he's going to think you're detached anyway, because you've kind of practiced and thought about this. So, understand the words that come out of his mouth, he is not going to say anything that's going to benefit you. It's just the way he's feeling. And it's really about him, not you. So, try to move the conversation forward and have an objective as to what does this conversation accomplish? Are you hoping he's going to pack up and move out? Are you planning to pack up and move out? Or are you planning to be like, you stay in this bedroom. I'm going to stay here. Let's get attorneys and move forward.
Julie Morgan:
Wait a minute. Okay. I just thought about something. What if you're living in a place where your name is nowhere on the deed, the whatever, the agreement. He could say, "Okay, bye."
Heather Quick:
Well, that's right. That's why you talk to a lawyer first, so you understand all of that. Then, he doesn't say, you want divorce, well hit the road. Now you are not sure, what are my rights? What should I do? Because that could vary for different people. He can't just kick you out if you're married, so that's where you want advice on your particular situation on something like that. Because there are some facts, specific things, that prior to this conversation, you should know. You should educate yourself and not on Google, okay? With an attorney, with your particular facts, and help you kind of just see some other options.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. I was just thinking that you need to understand what's going on. So, that's why it's a good idea to see someone like you.
Heather Quick:
Correct, and you don't have to tell him that. It's just helping to give you guidance so that you have more confidence and you have a plan. Like I said, depending on the conversation say, I think we should each get attorneys and move through this, like I said, as adults. That's what everybody wants. Doesn't always happen. But there's no reason you shouldn't say that.
Julie Morgan:
Yeah. And let me correct myself. You're here in the State of Florida, you should see Heather, specifically.
Heather Quick:
Or any member of our team at Florida Women's Law Group. Yes, you should come see our team. Talk to us. Let us help you understand what's best for you in handling this conversation and this decision because that's what we're talking about. It's a decision you've made. Now, how do I next move forward?
Julie Morgan:
All righty, Heather, any parting words?
Heather Quick:
Well, as always, if you are a woman listening to this and this is really resonating and you're looking for help, please reach out to Florida Women's Law Group. We are here to help you and can advise you on your particular situation and the law and what next steps to take. Or if you know somebody who may be struggling with this, please send them to Florida Women's Law Group.
Julie Morgan:
In one other episode, I asked Heather, if someone has ever just walked in the office and she said, "No, that doesn't normally happen. They usually call or set it up online." Oh boy. Yeah, I ask random questions. Well, Heather, thank you so much for talking to me today. I appreciate it.
Heather Quick:
Absolutely, Julie. Always a pleasure. Thank you so much, and enjoy your week.
Julie Morgan:
You, too. We'll see you next time.
Heather Quick:
Okay.
Julie Morgan:
Thank you for listening to Women Winning Divorce. We hope you found information to help you navigate your divorce. If you like our show, please take the time to subscribe and provide a five-star review. If you need more information, please visit our website at womenwinningdivorce.com, where you will find previous episodes and other helpful content. Join us next week as we continue our journey of Women Winning Divorce.